Is you son a computer hacker?


18-02-2005 22:49:08

A mate and I found this on the net a few years ago, laughed our asses off, i figured you guys might like to have a quick read. (The original got 10 pages of comments, starting with parents taking there childerens computers off of them, right through to people abusing the hell out of this guy)

As an enlightened, modern parent, I try to be as involved as possible in the lives of my six children. I encourage them to join team sports. I attend their teen parties with them to ensure no drinking or alcohol is on the premises. I keep a fatherly eye on the CDs they listen to and the shows they watch, the company they keep and the books they read. You could say I'm a model parent. My children have never failed to make me proud, and I can say without the slightest embellishment that I have the finest family in the USA.
Two years ago, my wife Carol and I decided that our children's education would not be complete without some grounding in modern computers. To this end, we bought our children a brand new Compaq to learn with. The kids had a lot of fun using the handful of application programs we'd bought, such as Adobe's Photoshop and Microsoft's Word, and my wife and I were pleased that our gift was received so well. Our son Peter was most entranced by the device, and became quite a pro at surfing the net. When Peter began to spend whole days on the machine, I became concerned, but Carol advised me to calm down, and that it was only a passing phase. I was content to bow to her experience as a mother, until our youngest daughter, Cindy, charged into the living room one night to blurt out: "Peter is a computer hacker!"

As you can imagine, I was amazed. A computer hacker in my own house! I began to monitor my son's habits, to make certain that Cindy wasn't just telling stories, as she is prone to doing at times.

After a few days of investigation, and some research into computer hacking, I confronted Peter with the evidence. I'm afraid to say, this was the only time I have ever been truly disappointed in one of my children. We raised them to be honest and to have integrity, and Peter betrayed the principles we tried to encourage in him, when he refused point blank to admit to his activities. His denials continued for hours, and in the end, I was left with no choice but to ban him from using the computer until he is old enough to be responsible for his actions.

After going through this ordeal with my own family, I was left pondering how I could best help others in similar situations. I'd gained a lot of knowledge over those few days regarding hackers. It's only right that I provide that information to other parents, in the hope that they will be able to tell if their children are being drawn into the world of hacking. Perhaps other parents will be able to steer their sons back onto the straight and narrow before extreme measures need to be employed.

To this end, I have decided to publish the top ten signs that your son is a hacker. I advise any parents to read this list carefully and if their son matches the profile, they should take action. A smart parent will first try to reason with their son, before resorting to groundings, or even spanking. I pride myself that I have never had to spank a child, and I hope this guide will help other parents to put a halt to their son's misbehaviour before a spanking becomes necessary.

1. Has your son asked you to change ISPs?

Most American families use trusted and responsible Internet Service Providers, such as AOL. These providers have a strict "No Hacking" policy, and take careful measures to ensure that your internet experience is enjoyable, educational and above all legal. If your child is becoming a hacker, one of his first steps will be to request a change to a more hacker friendly provider.

I would advise all parents to refuse this request. One of the reasons your son is interested in switching providers is to get away from AOL's child safety filter. This filter is vital to any parent who wants his son to enjoy the internet without the endangering him through exposure to "adult" content. It is best to stick with the protection AOL provides, rather than using a home-based solution. If your son is becoming a hacker, he will be able to circumvent any home-based measures with surprising ease, using information gleaned from various hacker sites.

2. Are you finding programs on your computer that you don't remember installing?

Your son will probably try to install some hacker software. He may attempt to conceal the presence of the software in some way, but you can usually find any new programs by reading through the programs listed under "Install/Remove Programs" in your control panel. Popular hacker software includes "Comet Cursor", "Bonzi Buddy" and "Flash".

The best option is to confront your son with the evidence, and force him to remove the offending programs. He will probably try to install the software again, but you will be able to tell that this is happening, if your machine offers to "download" one of the hacker applications. If this happens, it is time to give your son a stern talking to, and possibly consider punishing him with a grounding.

3. Has your child asked for new hardware?

Computer hackers are often limited by conventional computer hardware. They may request "faster" video cards, and larger hard drives, or even more memory. If your son starts requesting these devices, it is possible that he has a legitimate need. You can best ensure that you are buying legal, trustworthy hardware by only buying replacement parts from your computer's manufacturer.

If your son has requested a new "processor" from a company called "AMD", this is genuine cause for alarm. AMD is a third-world based company who make inferior, "knock-off" copies of American processor chips. They use child labor extensively in their third world sweatshops, and they deliberately disable the security features that American processor makers, such as Intel, use to prevent hacking. AMD chips are never sold in stores, and you will most likely be told that you have to order them from internet sites. Do not buy this chip! This is one request that you must refuse your son, if you are to have any hope of raising him well.

4. Does your child read hacking manuals?

If you pay close attention to your son's reading habits, as I do, you will be able to determine a great deal about his opinions and hobbies. Children are at their most impressionable in the teenage years. Any father who has had a seventeen year old daughter attempt to sneak out on a date wearing make up and perfume is well aware of the effect that improper influences can have on inexperienced minds.

There are, unfortunately, many hacking manuals available in bookshops today. A few titles to be on the lookout for are: "Snow Crash" and "Cryptonomicon" by Neal Stephenson; "Neuromancer" by William Gibson; "Programming with Perl" by Timothy O'Reilly; "Geeks" by Jon Katz; "The Hacker Crackdown" by Bruce Sterling; "Microserfs" by Douglas Coupland; "Hackers" by Steven Levy; and "The Cathedral and the Bazaar" by Eric S. Raymond.

If you find any of these hacking manuals in your child's possession, confiscate them immediately. You should also petition local booksellers to remove these titles from their shelves. You may meet with some resistance at first, but even booksellers have to bow to community pressure.

5. How much time does your child spend using the computer each day?

If your son spends more than thirty minutes each day on the computer, he may be using it to DOS other peoples sites. DOSing involves gaining access to the "command prompt" on other people's machines, and using it to tie up vital internet services. This can take up to eight hours. If your son is doing this, he is breaking the law, and you should stop him immediately. The safest policy is to limit your children's access to the computer to a maximum of forty-five minutes each day.

6. Does your son use Quake?

Quake is an online virtual reality used by hackers. It is a popular meeting place and training ground, where they discuss hacking and train in the use of various firearms. Many hackers develop anti-social tendencies due to the use of this virtual world, and it may cause erratic behaviour at home and at school.

If your son is using Quake, you should make hime understand that this is not acceptable to you. You should ensure all the firearms in your house are carefully locked away, and have trigger locks installed. You should also bring your concerns to the attention of his school.

7. Is your son becoming argumentative and surly in his social behaviour?

As a child enters the electronic world of hacking, he may become disaffected with the real world. He may lose the ability to control his actions, or judge the rightness or wrongness of a course of behaviour. This will manifest itself soonest in the way he treats others. Those whom he disagrees with will be met with scorn, bitterness, and even foul language. He may utter threats of violence of a real or electronic nature.

Even when confronted, your son will probably find it difficult to talk about this problem to you. He will probably claim that there is no problem, and that you are imagining things. He may tell you that it is you who has the problem, and you should "back off" and "stop smothering him." Do not allow yourself to be deceived. You are the only chance your son has, even if he doesn't understand the situation he is in. Keep trying to get through to him, no matter how much he retreats into himself.

8. Is your son obsessed with "Lunix"?

BSD, Lunix, Debian and Mandrake are all versions of an illegal hacker operation system, invented by a Soviet computer hacker named Linyos Torovoltos, before the Russians lost the Cold War. It is based on a program called "xenix", which was written by Microsoft for the US government. These programs are used by hackers to break into other people's computer systems to steal credit card numbers. They may also be used to break into people's stereos to steal their music, using the "mp3" program. Torovoltos is a notorious hacker, responsible for writing many hacker programs, such as "telnet", which is used by hackers to connect to machines on the internet without using a telephone.

Your son may try to install "lunix" on your hard drive. If he is careful, you may not notice its presence, however, lunix is a capricious beast, and if handled incorrectly, your son may damage your computer, and even break it completely by deleting Windows, at which point you will have to have your computer repaired by a professional.

If you see the word "LILO" during your windows startup (just after you turn the machine on), your son has installed lunix. In order to get rid of it, you will have to send your computer back to the manufacturer, and have them fit a new hard drive. Lunix is extremely dangerous software, and cannot be removed without destroying part of your hard disk surface.

9. Has your son radically changed his appearance?

If your son has undergone a sudden change in his style of dress, you may have a hacker on your hands. Hackers tend to dress in bright, day-glo colors. They may wear baggy pants, bright colored shirts and spiky hair dyed in bright colors to match their clothes. They may take to carrying "glow-sticks" and some wear pacifiers around their necks. (I have no idea why they do this) There are many such hackers in schools today, and your son may have started to associate with them. If you notice that your son's group of friends includes people dressed like this, it is time to think about a severe curfew, to protect him from dangerous influences.

10. Is your son struggling academically?

If your son is failing courses in school, or performing poorly on sports teams, he may be involved in a hacking group, such as the infamous "Otaku" hacker association. Excessive time spent on the computer, communicating with his fellow hackers may cause temporary damage to the eyes and brain, from the electromagnetic radiation. This will cause his marks to slip dramatically, particularly in difficult subjects such as Math, and Chemistry. In extreme cases, over-exposure to computer radiation can cause schizophrenia, meningitis and other psychological diseases. Also, the reduction in exercise may cause him to lose muscle mass, and even to start gaining weight. For the sake of your child's mental and physical health, you must put a stop to his hacking, and limit his computer time drastically.

I encourage all parents to read through this guide carefully. Your child's future may depend upon it. Hacking is an illegal and dangerous activity, that may land your child in prison, and tear your family apart. It cannot be taken too seriously.


20-02-2005 00:43:16

*Dies laughing*


20-02-2005 16:37:03

Fantastic! :lol:

But what happens if it's a female child?

Oh, i'm sorry, i forgot... there's no such thing as a female who understands how to operate a computer... ;)


20-02-2005 18:29:24

Oh, i'm sorry, i forgot... there's no such thing as a female who understands how to operate a computer...  ;)

hahaha, glad you said that....Any guy here would most certainly be stabbed, shootin, and dragged out back and strung up for that comment :D >:)


20-02-2005 22:47:39

Heh, mabey he stopped his daughters from being on the computer for more than 45 minutes a day, :P

Kaine Mandaala

21-02-2005 01:09:21

Fantastic!  :lol:

But what happens if it's a female child?

Oh, i'm sorry, i forgot... there's no such thing as a female who understands how to operate a computer...  ;)

WTF is that? Female... and computer... in the same sentance? :)

Nice post Windos - that crap is hilarious. I especially liked the "Lunix" and "Quake" references.


22-02-2005 01:18:57

I'll dig up a couple of the funny replies from the original post, some of those are just as funny.


22-02-2005 23:51:24

Ok, I promised some comments so here they are, but first a lil poll about hackers:

I'm scared of hackers because...

They hack into NASA 5%
They steal things 4%
They are violent sociopaths 4%
They use amphetamines and speed 7%
They help Osama Bin Laden 14%
They're un-American 5%
They smell bad 58%

Votes: 11015


by Anonymous Reader on Sun Dec 2nd, 2001 at 04:05:02 PM PST

You know, all I really need to look at is the very first phrase:

"As an enlightened, modern parent..."

I mean really, I haven't had this much of a laugh in ages. And that's not even counting the rest of the article.

I am VERY curious about three things:

1: What's your source material for showing that Linus Torvalds was a Soviet Hacker, that Mandrake is a 'hacking program', and that Snow Crash is a 'manual'? Furthermore, I'd like to see where you got the hilarious notion that AMD isn't a legitimate company. You cannot MAKE PROCESSORS in third world sweatshops when the premium for quality is beyond levels of microns.

2: What EXACTLY did you accuse your son of doing, and what EXACTLY are your definitions of 'hacking'?

3: Have you ever considered the notion that your son's 'argumentative and surly behavior' are the products of your utterly amusing ignorance? But then, I guess your 'computer hacker' son doesn't find it all that funny.

... "As an enlightened, modern parent..."



by Anonymous Reader on Fri Dec 7th, 2001 at 07:49:58 AM PST

I haven't had time to read all the posts, but with regards to the main article...

....I just can't work out if this is supposed to be a joke!

I was inclined to laugh when I started reading, but then I thought 'what if this guy is for real, I can't believe there are still such narrow minded and [Expletive Deleted F-word]-witted idiots walking the Earth!'

I am not a hacker, in fact I only know the basics required to use a computer at work, but even I know that everything thin moron has said is complete crap.

Just where did he gain this extensive knowledge of hacking in those few days?

More to the point, if this a genuine article, I feel really sorry for his kids!


by Anonymous Reader on Sun Dec 2nd, 2001 at 04:47:54 PM PST

Help me. I listen to burnt CD's with stolen MP3s I got from KaZaA. And I use Tribes2 as a meeting place to "chat" with my hacker gang. @home IS my ISP so maybe I should change it to the better and faster AOL. I dont know any more. I think I will kill myself if my parents found out. Pleas. help me. I dont have many friends in the real world becaus they dont like the fact I told them I would hack the schools computers to change their notes. but. they are goodie goodies. and dont want me too.

Plz. help me.


by Huggles on Sun Dec 2nd, 2001 at 04:51:40 PM PST

Be careful of that last anonymous poster folks. I think he may be one of the many hackers I know from Tribes 2 virtual reality. If you reply to any of his messages, he will be able to hack your computer using a virus he developed. Trust me, as someone who has admitted to herself that she has a problem.


by Anonymous Reader on Sun Dec 9th, 2001 at 08:49:03 AM PST

If you reply to his messages and you can get a virus from them, then didn't you just get a virus? If you arn't a hacker then you don't have the skillz to remove the virus. Either you are an idioit or a hacker. *Snicker*



by Anonymous Reader on Mon Dec 10th, 2001 at 09:05:28 PM PST

Dont worry too much my friend...apparentlly, we're all hackers...each one of us...*pats the other on the back* we'll overcome it...if only the good moral filled parents can save us in time, before we're all lost...


LOL, thats just the start of em, if you really wanna go read more then here is the addy:

Ylith Pandemonium

25-07-2005 17:34:38

3 letters only: O...M....G....!

what a damn bunch of american ignorance!
guess he thinks that hillbilly's are hill people raising kids by letting them
feed on sticks!

never read something more stupid in my life....sure was funny though :P


Ylith Pandemonium

25-07-2005 17:35:15

ok, sorry about the american part, you can leave that one out ;)