2nd Annual Gladius Laugh Fest.
Coming soon to a message board near you
bill gates dies, just like everyone else. nope, he didn't turn out to have a pact with the devil for eternal life. he arrives at the gates of heaven, and there Petrus is waiting for him.
"I do not know what to do with you. on one end, you got everyone a computer at home. on the other, you forced all of them to use windows. so I am going to do something I have not done before. I will let you choose where you go: heaven, or hell."
Gates thinks, 'this should be fun', and decides to cooperate. Petrus snaps his fingers, and they go to hell.
women in bikini's, cocktails, a beach, blue water, etc. in other words: a very nice beach party. Bill Gates, his eyes locked on the headlights of one of the women, mutters "this is nice..."
petrus just shakes his head, and decides to show him heaven. *snap*, and they are there. Gates is instantly dissapointed. angels, yes, but all fully clad in white gowns, sitting around being devout, and looking completely boring to Bill. he looks around for a second, and then decides.
"this here is nice and all... but I liked Hell better."
"so be it." *snap*, Bill went to hell.
2 days later, Petrus decides to check up on him. he goes *snap*, and ends up in hell. there, he finds Gates... locked to a torture rack, flames licking at his feet, and a sinister beast whipping him.
"NOOOO! THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED! WHERE IS THE BEACH?! WHERE ARE THE COCKTAILS!?"
petrus shrugs. "that was a screensaver"
sure enough, Bin Laden dies as well. he ends up in hell by default, but since Bill died, it rather filled up, and Lucifer met him at the gates.
"I can not let you go. but, we are full right now. so, I will let you switch places with someone else. follow."
so he follows. first stop, Hitler. the fuhrer is busy carving gravestones. "one for every death he caused". Osama thinks, and says "I got a bit of arthrithis in my fingers.. I'll pass on this one."
the devil says nothing, and takes him to the next person. here, it's Stalin, digging graves. "one for every death he caused." again, Osama thinks. "I got a bad back. I will pass on this one, too."
so they go to the third person. it turns out to be Clinton, his legs spread, and Monica Lewinsky between his legs, her usual spot. before the devil can speak, Osama yells "this is excellent! I'll take this one."
the devil nods. "Monica. you can go now."
(For those who do not know, there was a YTMND where Rommel was Jewish.)
Rommel walks into one of Hitler's superior officer meetings.
"Welcome Rommel" Hitler says.
"Thank you Fuher" Rommel promptly replies.
"So guys, Ive pretty much eradicated the Jews, how bout them apples eh?" Hitler says.
Rommel just stares at Hitler and says "In Soviet Russia, Jews kill Nazis!!!!!!"
*a variation of snakes on a plane*
horses on a hang glider
hamsters on a unicycle
gophers on a monorail
A girl came skipping home FROM school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6,7, 8, 9, 10!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," She yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A,b, c, d, e, f, g!"
"Very good," said her mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"
"Yes, Honey, it's because you're blonde."
The next day the girl came skipping home FROM school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs.
"Very good," said her embarrassed mother.
"Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?"
"No, Honey, it's because you're 25."
When Nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.
Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.
"And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"
"Well," says the first Nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
The next Nun admits that "Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit."
"OK" says St. Peter, "Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven."
Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.
"Well now, what's going on here?" says St. Peter.
"Well, your excellency," says the Nun who is trying to improve her position in line, "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it."
Q. What has four legs and no ears?
A. Mike Tyson's dog.
Q. What's brown and half eaten?
A. The Queen Mothers Easter egg.
Q. What did the woman tell Michael Jackson at the beach?
A. Get out of my son!
Q. What has 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A. A Michael Jackson slumber party.
Q. Hear about Kennedy Airlines?
A. Their motto is "Your luggage will arrive before you do!"
I like the 2nd one there
That was for you in particular.
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts,
"Get the [Expletive Deleted F-word] off the car!"
ATLANTA. The Center for Disease Control has issued a warning about a new virulent strain of Sexually Transmitted Disease. The disease is contracted through dangerous and high-risk behavior. The disease is called Gonorrhea Lectim and pronounced "gonna re-elect him." Many victims contracted it in 2004, after having been screwed for the past four years.
Cognitive characteristics of individuals infected include: antisocial personality disorders, delusions of grandeur with messianic overtones, extreme cognitive dissonance, inability to incorporate new information, pronounced xenophobia and paranoia, inability to accept responsibility for own actions, cowardice masked by misplaced bravado, uncontrolled facial smirking, ignorance of geography and history, tendencies towards evangelical theocracy, categorical all-or-nothing behavior.
Naturalists and epidemiologists are amazed at how this destructive disease originated only a few years ago from a bush found in Texas.
We're entering hurricane season. You may soon be turning on the TV and seeing a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Louisiana. If you're new to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one." Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
Put these supplies into your car.
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Louisiana. We'll start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well-built, and
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Louisiana, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and--if it's a major hurricane--all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof" windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He lives in Nebraska.
Hurricane Proofing Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should have one built
immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.
EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out (to determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Louisiana," you live in a low-lying area). The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Louisiana tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who get the last can of SPAM. In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
·At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
·Bleach. (No, I don't know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it's traditional, so GET some!)
·A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
·A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators. (Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
·$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth. Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It's great living in Paradise! Especially when paradise is a bowl, let me tell ya!
There was this policeman who liked to stake out bars for an easy job by watching the drunks and then arresting them. After a while, a man came out and starting walking to his car. The man could not keep his balance and fell down several times. He finally found his car after wandering the carpark for a few minutes. The man tried to open his door but couldn't insert the key properly. The policeman was thinking to himself that this dude was clearly drunk. The man put the key in the ignition and sat there in his car. He blinked a few times and then did nothing. The policeman goes up to him and pulls him out of his car. The policeman orders the man to breathe into the breathalyser. It reads 0.0. The cop is puzzled and says:"I'm sorry, but I think that this piece of [Expletive Deleted] is broken." The man replies:"I doubt it, I'm the designated decoy."