Laugh fest

The Gladius members have a month to present themselves with the best jokes they can find (SW topics recommended but not mandatory). You can post as many as you want, so start posting!

Non Gladius people can post jokes too but they won't win anything.

(Moderators, please pin this thread.)

John sits down next to Bob after his first date

"Hey John, how did it go?"
"Awfull." Replied John.

"What happened?" asked bob
"I'll explain, You know I have this erection problem, when I see
a beautiful woman I get a huge hard one."

Bob nodded.

"Well." Continued John. "My date was a babe, so just to be safe I taped my
'thing' to my leg, so it wont come up."

"Yeah thats a good idea, so what went wrong?" Asked Bob curiously

"When she opened the door and I looked at her I kicked her in the face..."

Hope you liked this one my Pin is 6092

*tyrus walks into the bar and runs into a female twi'lek that he has a hard time shaking the beautiful look of her*

*Noticable is Tyrus's distinct height compared to hers, he walks behind her and she rubs her head and says*

"hey, get your hands off me"

tyrus says "it wasnt my hand"




im in tridens, i dont get squat

there is a man waiting on the bus.
The bus drivers get's out and say:
Hey get off my bus!

Frenches think belgiums are stupid and use losts of jokes about them.
each peaple uses the same king of joke about other peeaple they think to be stupid, like Canada peaple about "Newfies".
I'll call in mine those who have the stupid role "Mr. Stupid" or "Mrs Stupid" to be as general as possible




Mr Stupid wants to travel the desert of Sahara. Why does he keep with him a car door ?
Beacause, if he feels too much hot, he'll be able to open the windows...

Q: How is Ducktape like the Force?
A: It has a Dark Side, a Light side and it binds the galaxy together.

Q:  How is Ducktape like the Force?
A:  It has a Dark Side, a Light side and it binds the galaxy together.


Sorry, I still do not know what is a Ducktape :'(

Q:Why did te chicken cross the road...?

A: I dunnow...ask him...!

Ducktape is a american tape used to defend themself from terrorist gas attacks.
terrorist: Ok, the gas is in place, any word from our men in America?
terrorist 2: Yes, he said he has ducktape
terrostist: CRAP! aboard the damn mission, they have ducktape!

see? it's a mass defending weapon made by the FBI to protect against terrorists...

*scratching his head*

How many terrorist gas attacks have happpened this 2 decades ? None I guess...


Well, never mind, thanks for the info

you see...you cant remember any gas attacks! and its all thanks to ducktape

Women's English:

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want...
5. I am sorry = You'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You're in trouble.
7. Sure, go ahead = You'd better not.
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later.
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Top 10 Reasons why some Men prefer Guns over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

#9. You can keep one handgun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's handgun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary handgun doesn't mind if you keep another handgun for a backup.

#6. Your handgun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A handgun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Handguns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A handgun doesn't ask , "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

#2. A handgun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a handgun is favored over a woman

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A HANDGUN.

Two blondes fishing

Two blondes rented a boat and went fishing. After finding a good location, the first blond told the second one to mark the spot so when they came back they will be able to find it again. On the way home, the first one asked, "How did you mark that spot?" The reply was, "I put an X on the bottom of the boat." To that, the first blond said, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat next time?"

Different degrees of blondeness

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief She takes the gun and puts it to her head The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor
asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house Ransacked and burglarized. She
telephoned the police at once and The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit,
patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

might find i easier to find info on if its spelt right its 'Duct Tape'

tell that to the duck! X-)

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked,"What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.

why are dumb blondes never for the football club Ajax?
Even dumb blondes aren't that dumb..

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a muffin while her dad gets his haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says:
"Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin."
"I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A WELSH FARMER CARRYING 2 SHEEP UNDER EACH ARM????

A: A PIMP

3 guys including Mr Stupid on a small desert island.

Here apears a genious, giving each one a wish.

the first one "I want to get back home with my family"
the wish is realized.

the second one "f*** my home ! I want to be rich, living in a palace with several beautyful grils only for me"
the wish is realized

Mr Stupid's turn "I wish i could see my friends again"
...

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises. The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?" The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's
house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked
to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.
Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the
room. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for
my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"LOVE dress? But you're naked!" "My husband LOVEs me
to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no
end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes
romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get
enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got
home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and laid on the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husbandcame home. He walked in and saw her laying there so
provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my
LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner

"When a young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"
The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! " The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars..............but Realistically,......... we're living with two Sluts and a Queer.

Two sheep herders are flying the herd to a new farm. Suddenly, the
engine fails and
the plane begins to fall quickly to the ground.
SH1: Quick! Grab a parachute and jump!

SH2: What about the sheep ?!?

SH1: Screw the sheep !!!!

SH2: (pause) Do you think we have time?

A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she
visited her gynecologist.


"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing
me for years! There's nothing you can't tell me."


"This one's kind of strange..."


"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.


"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom
in the morning and I heard a plink-plink in the toilet;
when I looked down, the water was full of pennies."


"I see."


"That afternoon I went again and there were nickels
in the bowl."


"Uh-huh."


"That night," she went on, "there were dimes and this
morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me what's
wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits!"


The gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
"There, there, it's nothing to be scared about. . .You're
simply going through the change."

This happened about a month or two ago near Lonavala and even though it
sounds like something out of the X-Files or from an Alfred Hitchcock
movie... it's real!

This guy drives from Mumbai to Pune and decides not to take the new
expressway as he wants to see the scenery. The inevitable happens and
when he reaches the ghats his car breaks down - he's stranded miles from
nowhere.
Having no choice he starts walking on the side of the road, hoping to
get a lift to the nearest human habitation. It's dark and raining and
pretty soon he's wet and shivering.
The night rolls on and no car goes by, the monsoon rains are so strong
he can hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he sees a car coming
towards him. It slows and then stops next to him - without thinking the
guy opens the car's door and jumps in. Seated in the back, he leans
forward to thank the person who had saved him when he realizes there is
nobody behind the wheel!!!
Even though there's no one in the front seat and no sound of any engine,
the car starts moving slowly.
The guy looks at the road ahead and sees a curve coming (remember, this
is in the hills and there is a steep,steep drop beyond the curve).
Scared almost to death he starts to pray, begging the Lord for his life.
He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the
curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel! The car
makes the curve safely and continues on the road to the next bend. The
guy, now paralyzed in terror, watches how the hand appears every
time they are before acurve and moves the steering wheel just enough to
get the car around each bend.
Finally, the guy sees lights ahead.

Gathering his courage he wrenches open the door of the silent, slowly
moving car, scrambles out and runs as hard as he can towards the
lights.It's a small town.
Wet and in shock goes to a roadside dhaba, which is open, and asks for a
drink.
They find some hooch and give him a shot. And he starts telling whoever
is in the dhabba about the horrible experience he's just been through.
A silence envelops everybody when they realize the guy isn't drunk,
and is really frightened - he's crying and shaking. So they give him
more hooch and talk about what they should do, whether to call the
police or find a priest, or what.



But just then two guys(santa & banta) walk into the dhaba. One says to
the other "Look, Banta - that's the guy who got in our
car when we were pushing it."

Fred walks into his house with a sheep tucked under his arm. He carries it upstairs and into the bedroom where his wife is in bed, reading a magazine. "Honey," says Fred, "This is the pig I've been screwing when you're not available." "Fred," the wife says, "That's not a pig. That's a sheep." "Shut up," says Fred. "I wasn't talking to you."

When a tourist coach passed through a small country town in Australia
one of the passengers noticed a sheep tied to a lamppost on the corner in the main street.

"Oh that," said the guide, "that's the Recreation Centre"

A sheep herder made it in to San Antonio, Texas, after 10 years in the bush. He found a saloon and approached the bar tender. He told the bartender "I need a woman."
The bartender said, "There are women all over San Antone for a price."
The sheep herder replied, "Just any woman won't do. I ain't [Expletive Deleted F-word]ed nothin' but goats 'n sheep for the last ten years. They got cockle burrs 'n mesquite thorns around their pussy and my old [Expletive Deleted] is tough with calluses on it, and I need a good tough piece of ass."
So the bartender tells him, "Well, you're in luck. The toughest broad in all San Antonio has a room right up stairs." The bartender picks up the phone contacts the lady, explains the situation, and tells the sheep herder to go on up. The sheep herder gets a small ice bucket with two Lone Star long necks (the favorite brew in San Atone), and proceeds up the stairs.
When he gets to the room he says, "The barkeep told me you are the toughest broad in town."
The lady is livid, and says, "Well he's a lyin' son of a bitch. I'm the toughest broad in Texas, and probably in the whole United States."
Excitedly, the sheep herder says, "Well, you're just what I'm looking for. He then turned and leaned over to set the bucket of beer on the coffee table.
Just then, the woman threw her skirt up around her waist and bent over and grabbed her ankles. Her brown eye was looking him right in the eyeball.
A bit surprised, the sheep herder says, "Damn, baby. I know you're tough, but I don't wanna do ya that way."
To which the wench replies, "I thought you wanted to open your damn beers."

Q: How does a Welsh bloke find a sheep in long grass?
A: Very attractive.


Q: What would you call a ladies man in Wales?
A: shepherd.





There was this cowboy named Jake who got himself fired from his job at
the ranch. He was out of
work for a while, then started to get hungry. So he swallowed his pride,
and went to the other ranch
in those parts to ask for work--it was a sheep ranch.
They hired him, of course, not too many cowboys wanted to herd sheep.
The first night he was
there, the other cowboys there woke him up. "Get up, boy," they said.
"It's time for your initiation!"

Initiation! But how bad could it be, he thought to himself. Afterall,
they were a bunch of sheep
tenders!

So they took him out back of the sheep-pen, and he saw all the other
guys lined up waiting. "Go on,"
they said, "Boy, it's time you showed you were a REAL man!"

"Huh?" he said.

"That's right," they said, pointing at the sheep, "Show us you're a real
man."

Oh, no, he thought, they couldn't possibly want him to...but then he
really needed the job. So he
squared his shoulders and went and picked out a sheep. He led it behind
the shed. After a moment,
the other were rewarded by the sounds of, "Baaaah BAAAAH..."

A couple of minutes later the cowboy came back out, buttoning his pants,
to see the other guys all
laughing at him.

Oh, great, he thought, now I've really been had. "So, what?" he said,
"Was I not supposed to screw
the sheep?"

"That's not it," they laughed. "It's just that you picked out an ugly
one."

The other night I walked into a bar, got a beer and sat down in front of the window next to a guy who was crying. I figured I would try to cheer him up a little, so I asked him why he was crying.


He said, "Look out that window. Do you see all of those streets out there? I built them, all of them, with my bare hands. But do they call me 'BOB - The Street Builder?' no..."


"Now, look out that window. Do you see those docks, down on the river? I built them, all of them, with my bare hands. But do they call me 'BOB - The Dock Builder?' no..."


"And over there. Do you see that beautiful neighborhood? All those wonderful houses? I built those too. All of them, with my bare hands. But do they call me 'BOB - The Home Builder?' no...


"BUT YOU [Expletive Deleted F-word] ONE GOAT!!!"

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.

On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.

The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"

"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.

"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie replied.

"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.

After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"

"Thirty-five," she replied.

"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lammas class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances and coaching at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher.
"Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a guy in the group raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the instructor.
"Is it okay if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

There comes an old man riding an wheelchair to a man who ownes a Ferrari. The old man looks to the Ferrari and says: "Nice car.."
The man who ownes the Ferrari walkes up to the old man and says: "I can give u a ride if u want to.. We will do it like this: I tie u up in the wheelchair on the back off the car and if i drive to hard honk the horn oke?"
The old man nodded. So the ferrari is slowly driving when suddenly he see's an Porsche fast racing next to him. So the ferrari man hits the speed.
So.. There is on cop eating an donut by the coffeeshop when suddenly he see's what's happening. He then calles his chief and says: "What I'm seeing now.. You won't believe me! There is this Porsche and this Ferrari racing right.. While behind the Ferrari there is an old man honking the horn, asking him to get out of the way so he can pass!"

Men's English:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry.
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy.
3. I am tired = I am tired.
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage.
5. I love you = Let's have sex now.
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay.

Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.

Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!

Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom

Why are we there?
Every day there are news reports about more deaths. Every night on
TV there are photos of death and destruction. Why are we still
there?

We occupied this land, which we had to take by force, but it causes
us nothing but trouble. Why are we still there?

Many of our children go there and never come back. Why are we still
there?

Their government is unstable, and they have loopy leadership. Why
are we still there?

Many of their people are uncivilized. Why are we still there?

The place is subject to natural disasters, which we are supposed to
bail them out of. Why are we still there?

There are more than 1000 religious sects, which we do not
understand. Why are we still there?

Their folkways, foods and fads are unfathomable to ordinary
Americans. Why are we still there?

We can't even secure the borders. Why are we still there?

They are billions of dollars in debt and it will cost billions more
to rebuild, which we can't afford. Why are we still there?

It is becoming clear..

-WE MUST PULL OUT OF CALIFORNIA!

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of her daughters swollen abdomen. It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say "Your daughter is pregnant." The mother turned red with fury and she argued with the doctor that her daughter was a good girl and would never compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy. The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon. The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?" "Yes, of course I am paying attention ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the East, and three wise men came. And I was hoping that they would show up again.

The end date of the comp is 9/7.

A jumbo jet is coming into Tampa Airport on its final approach.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."
He forgets to switch off the intercom.
Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit.
The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Tampa?"
Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap. Then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge boobs out for dinner. I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room, and put it to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile, the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run toward the cockpit to turn the intercom off.
Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes.
The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a [Expletive Deleted] first."

A Catholic priest and a nun were
taking a rare afternoon off and
enjoying a round of golf. The priest
stepped up to the first tee and took a
mighty swing. He missed the ball
entirely and said "[Expletive Deleted], I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch
his language.

On his next swing, he missed again.
"[Expletive Deleted], I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with
you if you keep swearing," the
nun said tartly.

The priest promised to do better
and the round continued. On the
4th tee, he misses again. The usual
comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says,
"Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing
like that."

On the next tee, Father John
swings and misses again. "[Expletive Deleted], I
missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a
gigantic bolt of lightning comes out
of the sky and strikes Sister Marie
dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice ... [Expletive Deleted], I missed."

Sherry goes to the doctor, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," she replies. "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having sex with a gypsy lately?" The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have." "That's the problem," the doctor says. "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

Okay, here is my first set of jokes!



Ob won Kenobi has also been known by a second, less famous name, as evidenced at the conclusion of episode 3. What was this name?

Ob / Gyn Kenobi.

Little known fact: The Empire was on the side of the North during the Civil War. They were fighting the rebels, after all... This also explains Lincolns' preference for black when ever in public.

Hee hee hee.... okay, kinda lame. <_<

More horrid Star Wars...

Q: What's the differance between an ATAT and a stormtrooper?
A: One's an Imperial walker and the other is a walking Imperial.


Q: What goes, "Ha, ha, ha, haaaa.... AGGGHHHH! Thump"?
A: An Imperial Officer laughing at Darth Vader.

Q: Why did Yoda cross the road?
A: Because the chickens Forced him to

>:) And to our esteemed brethen...

Q: How many Sith does it take to screw in a hyperdrive?

A: Two, but I don't know how they got in it.

*****

Q: How many Obelisks does it take to replace a lightbulb?

A: Two; one to screw the bulb in, the other to shoot him and take the credit.

Quality stuff there....

PORSCHE
Proof Of Rich Spoiled Children Having Everything

SAAB
Send Another Automobile Back
Swedish Automobiles Always Breakdown
Sad Attempt At Beauty
Sorry Auto, Always Broken
Shape Appears Ass-Backwards

SUBARU
Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

TOYOTA
Too Often Yankees Overprice This Auto
Torturous On Your Old Tired Ass
The One You Ought To Avoid

TRIUMPH
This Really Is Unreliable Man, Please Help!
Tried Repairing It Until My Parts Hurt!

VOLVO
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object

VW
Virtually Worthless

A young pornstar in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the doctor if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.

"I'm afraid I don't have a husband," she replies.

"Okay, do you have a boyfriend?" asks the doctor.

The pornstar replies, "No, no boyfriend either."

The doctor persisted, "Well, do you have a partner then?"

The pornstar meekly smiled, "No, I'm unattached. I'll be having my baby on my own." After the delivery, the doctor says, "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must tell you before you see her that the baby is black."

"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a porno movie. The lead man was black."

"Oh, I understand," says the doctor. "Well... I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."

"Well yes," the pornstar replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"

"Oh, I understand," says the doctor. "Well... I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."

"Well yes," continues the pornstar, "I was incredibly poor and there was a Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."

As the doctor hands the baby over to the pornstar, the baby starts crying and the mother exclaims, "Well thank God for that!"

The doctor, surprised by her statement, asks, "What do you mean?"

"Well," sighs the extremely relieved pornstar, "I had this horrible feeling that my baby might bark."

Two guys in a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

One sees an old bottle floating. He picks it up and rubs it, and a genie comes out.

The genie says, "For letting me out, I will grant you one wish."

The guy says, (without thinking) "Turn this ocean into beer". And the ocean turns into the best beer anybody has ever tasted.

The second guy says to the first, "You idiot, now we'll have to piss in the boat".

So, what jokes won?

So the winners are:

*Drums*

1st place: Ylith
2nd place: Sato
3rd place: Maikeru and Dark Prince

I'd like to thank everyone for participating and I also must mention that everyone will get Letters of Commendation for participating in this event.

Thank you!

This thread will remain open for future jokes.

a muslim dies and goes to heaven. gate one opens and the vergin mary opens, "Come my child." The muslim shakes his head, "No I must find Allah!" Mary nods, "he is upstairs." The muslim goes up and the second door opens where Petrus is, "Come my child." The muslim shakes his head again, "No I must see Allah!" Petros nods up, "He's upstairs. Muslim gets to the final stair and a huge door opens, God waves him in, "Come my child." The Muslim shakes his head. "No I must see Allah!" God smiles, "In time my son. -turns around- Allah! two coffee please!"

I just realised how many sheep jokes were on this thread. w00t you!!!!

How do u get a gay thinking..?
A: 48

So there are three generations of hookers: A grandmother, a mother, and a daughter.

One day the daughter comes in from a long night of standing on the strip and yells, "I can't believe it. I only got paid $10 for a blow job!"

After hearing her daughter's complaint the mother replies, "Back in my day we only got paid $5 for a blow job. You should feel blessed."

Getting upset by both the mother and the daughter, the grandmother tells both of them, "You two should shut up. Back in my day, we were just happy to get something warm in our stomachs."

Joke #2...

Clinton, Kennedy, and Nixon are all on a boat. This boat suddenly hits an iceberg and starts to sink. Kennedy shouts, "Save the women and children!" Nixon shouts, "Screw the women and children!" Clinton asks, "Can we?"

Joke #3 and I'm done with boring you.

Two sperm are traveling inside a woman. Sperm #1 asks, "Hey man, how far to the ovaries?" Sperm #2 replied, "Relax man, we just passed the tonsils."

LoL, nice ones.