Run-on Post Comments


05-09-2007 17:59:43

Good thing your FIRST [Expletive Deleted F-word]ing post Ceth was not ENTIRELY ABOUT YOU.

Cethgus stood in the middle of the hanger next to the entrance onto Flameboard. Checking the datapad, which was in his right hand while his left hand, was running across his forehead. Looking at the roster he did a quick double take as he saw the names of some of the member he knew quite well and also his Aedile would be under his protection for this mission. Looking up he saw that Malaki had entered the hanger and nodded to Cethgus.

Each member entered the hanger putting the stuff to the ramp for a droid to come up and load it onboard the ship. Smiling to himself the Warrior hoped that the group all liked where they were going to see if this planet had any way of fighting against the Vong. Once the group had assembled around the Sith he slowly passed the datapad around to the group.

“I hope you all like Iridonia because that is we are headed” Cethgus said smirking to the group.

Making sure that there luggage was all put on to the ship the group started to get talking each just as anxious to get going. Cethgus coughed to the group, as they all looked his way. Laurus and Malaki both strolled to his side and looked at the team that was assembled in front of them.

“Now to make sure everyone knows, I got landed with you bunch of miss fits and intend to come back with every single one of you alive” Cethgus words echoed around the hanger.

Some in the group laughter others looked at each other for a reaction but soon all there attention came back to the speaker.

“I am putting Laurus and Malaki as my seconds in charge of this group, any question?” Cethgus looked around at the team in front of him.

After a brief meeting about Iridonia and what was expected to come of this mission the group slowly made there way aboard Cethgus ship. Sitting in the pilot seat the Sith got all launch clearance from what was left of the Clans control tower.

“Right, see you later” Cethgus allowed the droid to start heading towards Iridonia.

Going into the seating area the group started to talk again and it wasn’t long before some of the team was chatting like there had never been a war. But something was pulling at the back of the Commanders mind something that worried him about going back to this home planet.

Couple hours later and the group fond them selves staring at the planet which were now in front of them. Cethgus smirked to himself as he realised he would soon be facing his father once again let his mind wander.

With a quick snap he brought himself back. This planet looked like it had seen some action from the Vong but then again Iridonia always looked like it had been dragged through hell and back. Landing their ship on the outskirts of a main city the group stood near the landing ramp as it lowered onto the surface.

Walking down the ramp Cethgus caught something out the corner of his eye that he saw he recognised. But then it just disappeared so he presumed he was losing his mind. His Father approached the group wearing what looked like a new clothes the well built Iridonia in front of them was staring at his son.

As Cethgus walked up out of the blue his Father slammed his fist into the Zabrak face sending him onto the floor.

“You traitor, you should leave this place while you still can” The man words slammed into the Zabrak heart like a gunshot.

The man walked away and slammed his door on his son leaving Cethgus lying on the floor.


05-09-2007 18:07:50

Just as an aside note... remember to check for spelling and grammar. This makes it for others to read your posts more easily, even though you may not have a problem with understanding your "variant" of written English.


06-09-2007 05:02:11

Right, so where to begin, asides from Vail's correct comment...

First of all, Ceth's post was not only just about him, for the most part, it also went from point A to B in no time. It was a narrative of the journey rather than a start of a story. What does this mean?

A beginning of a run on is a good place to make the single character's intentions known... that is ALL of the characters, not only of the one who is posting. In this case, Ceth took the team right to where they were going without allowing anyone else to add their character's intentions and feelings on the matter, not to talk of ideas for the plot.

While no one wants to read long and overdone character descriptions, the reader still wants to be able to somehow identify with them - otherwise the story sucks. This is not possible when one person just rushes along and pretends the other characters do nothing but chatting (about what anyway?) and not giving them a chance to react.

Another thing, which adds to the feeling of just reading a short version of the real thing, is your lack of descriptions. Again, while overly long descriptions tire some readers, a minimum is needed to feel right there with the characters. For example, you say the planet looked as if the Vong had been there but you do not say why Cethgus would think that, or how everyone reacts to that. Also, next you negate that again, which is totally confusing and makes no sense.

So, please rewrite your post in the corrected posts thread, keeping those points in mind. Ask your fellow writers if you do not know how they would react. Or better yet, make your post shorter and allow them to make something out of your journey.


06-09-2007 05:12:44

Malaki stepped forwards from the group, his eyes were fixed on the older male Zabrak that just laid his team leader to floor in one punch. He approached Cethgus, trying not to laugh at what just happened but also trying to be polite. As the young male Knight stared at Cethgus he realised that who ever that was, Cethgus must have of known him. Malaki crouched and stared at the Zabrak, just below his eye his face had began to swollen.

“ Hmm That’s a good start for a greeting, here need a hand?” Malaki said, whilst putting out his hand to help Cethgus of the ground.

The Zabrak snarled and pushed the hand out of his face. “I don’t need your help! I can get myself up, just get out of my way!”

Malaki grunted, and then turned his back on Cethgus returning to the rest of the group that seemed pretty amused. It wasn’t long before they had the Sith Warrior standing in front of them, you could feel his angry and rage for whoever that man was by just staring at him.

“Right, welcome to Iridonia. A rock filled planet with acid pools everywhere, now we are at the capital city Malidris. Stick together no one goes off alone now move out!” Cethgus barked at everyone.

The team slowly strolled off heading for the main exit to the hanger, before Cethgus got away Malaki was next to him, he had a curious look on his face.

“Cethgus, who was that hmm Zabrak that punched you to the ground in one hit? He must be pretty strong” Malaki asked.

The zabrak stared at Malaki, even then he could feel the fury what Cethgus felt. “ Malaki just get out of my way. No one needs to know what the hell that man was, just …forget about it alright!”

Cethgus stormed away leaving Malaki standing there, however it wasn’t long before the knight was amongst his team. Everyone had left the hanger by now and were all standing out in a street of Malidris, there were hundreds of people walking down it, all different races but mostly Zabrak. Malaki grunted as he hated dry places, he looked around at the group who were all amazed at what they saw.

Out of everyone to spot it, Yzarc looked up smiling. He pointed over at a sort off worn down building. “Anyone care to join me at the Cantina?” he chuckled.

The group chuckled but their laughter died down as they were approached by some odd looking people, dressed in robes and were armed.

All in all, this was well done, seeing how Ceth had left off. You prevented the story from being stuck at a family conflict which likely has little bearing on the story. You also added a bit to the needed descriptions - this could have been done better though.

When the corrected run on has arrived at Iridonia, you only need to make small corrections to repost this. For one, add a few more periods and commas. That way it is easier to read. Also add a little more description of the people and the scene around you. The first time on a planet is when you give your readers the basics.


06-09-2007 05:21:36

Tra'an left the group standing outside, not deigning to join them just yet. He sent a Hyperspace com signal back to Judecca, summoning his ship, Stellar Vibrations, into orbit. He did not intend to let it be left behind, as it had several spare weapons and was a means of escape in case something happened to Cethgus' ship. He walked outside to join the group, just in time to witness their welcome from the native. Cethgus was obviously furious, and he simply shrugged, checking the releases on his vibroblades.

As they wandered outside, a group of armed natives and was walking towards them. Tra'an placed one hand on an obviously protruding hilt as a warning that they should stop outside of range. They took the hint and stood about ten feet away, which for a group of Force users, was nothing. The Zabraks were obviously unhappy and hostile. Tra'an decided to let someone else do the talking, as his method was a bit more direct than others, and would lead immediately to bloodshed.

While waiting for someone to come forward, Tra'an moved a medium plasma grenade out of its hiding place in his elbow and down to the hand not on the hilt of his vibroblade. Angling to the outside of the group, he armed it and waited, ready to throw to engage and end combat rather quickly if it came to that. He would not risk a prolonged engagement in an area that was hostile and lacked cover.

The main issue with this post is that you do not pick up from where Malaki left but time jumped back to the arrival. Also, one would have thought that you'd brought your ship right away, it makes little sense to call it in later. However, this is largely a problem with Ceth just rushing the story along, as you would have otherwise done so. Still, it comes over as unrealistic.

It would have been a better way to write about how you have sent the ship ahead "just in case" or someone you know had borrowed it and was now about to return it to you. It could possibly wait there for you already, maybe you knew ahead of your destination.

I liked the introduction of hostile natives and the preparing your character did. After all, you are a group of Dark Jedi and should be always ready to kill and maim when threatened.

When you report this after Malaki has reported his part, please correct the time jump issue (biggest problem) and find a smoother way to write your ship in. :)


06-09-2007 08:05:09

Noticing that the angry mob was lead by his childhood friend Koen Bornath, The young Zabrak stepped forward to the front of the crowd. Looking back over his shoulder in a commanding voice he shouted, “Tra’an put that blasted toy away, I know these people.”

The mobs faces started to ease when they noticed this party traveled with a familiar face around the city. Scowls quickly changed to a more neutral appearance on some and even small smirks on others. You could see the tensed up muscles of the mobs start to relax and people straighten up and stand with a welcoming aura.

“So Yeld, how is you pops business doing.” Questioned Koen

The Jedi Hunter responded, “ Not to sure, I was hoping you all had an update for me since I have not talked with the old man since I left here two years ago.”

With the tensions broke the grouped proceed into the cantina for a round of drinks. Upon entering the group was introduced as friends and welcomed to sit down anywhere they pleased. Choosing a location near the back they all sat down to get comfortable, where they could discuss the plans for the next coming days.

“So Cethgus I see you left here on worse terms then I did. I hope we have time to stop by the business sector to visit my father down at Vohkou Shipping and Receiving I am sure he could lend us a hand with some stuff.” Stated Yeldarb, “ And Tra’an good initiative back there, but in the future do not be so fast to step your guard up, after all we have two people here who grew up around these parts, and we really do not want you killing anyone that we may know.”

Well done to get them into the cantina with all aspects considered. It might be a bit too much of an accident to find a childhood friend right away, but it's not too much off. Can be reported in the corrected thread as is.


06-09-2007 08:25:37

Laurus sat up, leaving the group debating over the next course of action to get drinks from the bar. Ceth or Malaki could fill him in later, the Wookie wasn't interested in what they were doing so much as actually doing it.

As fate would have it, this decision he had made would involve doing something that would involve what they would do next.

"This Vohkou Shipping and Recieving yard seems as good a place as any to dig around for anything that can help us against the Vong."

"Perhaps, Malaki" replied Cethgus "but I wonder if we're looking for something a bit more powerful than a few ships to tilt the balance against the Vong."

"Maybe my father has begun developing ships specifically designed to combat them? A lot of successful shipyards are doing that these days and it sounds like something he would try doing."
Yeldarb offered.

"I doubt he's got some miniature Yuuzhan Vong-resistant Death Star," countered Cethgus "Which is what we need. Still I suppose a short visit can't hurt whie we're here... Maybe the Force will lead us toward our intended p- "

The approach of a large figure drew his attention. Cethgus recognised the glint in Laurus' eyes and knew something was amiss.

"Somebody has an unhealthy interest in our being here," said the Knight.

Cethgus nodded, "Time to spring a trap."

Laurus growled a suggestion to the Zabrak and looked around. As chance would have it, another Wookie was lounging in the bar and needless to say there were a fair few Zabraks.

Laurus had scared the spy off for a time making it blatantly clear that he had been spotted by the Wookie... but he would be back. The plan had to be put in motion quickly.

After intimidating the barkeeper into showing them a room out back, Cethgus switched clothing with a Zabrak who had no control over his own will for the time being, something Laurus didn't have to do with the Wookie who was being mind controlled.

The group left the cantina with two strangers in tow and minus Cethgus and Laurus who watched carefully from the rooftops.

Well done, with the exception that in the end you hurried it along too much. A bit more detail about how you intimidated the barkeep, how the Wookie and the Zabrakh you kidnapped looked like and the probable issues with clothings not really fitting between the Zabrakh would make it a lot better. Also, how do the others react to being spied on? It is obvious they must have been told even if you do not mention it.


07-09-2007 03:01:15

Before the group had moved much further there was movement behind them. Laurus and Cethgus sat up on the roof looking at the man appearing to wear much lighter robes.  Looking at each other knowing that the group was being used as bait. With quick movement the two members of the group dropped down onto the ground in front of the man sabers activated.

“You shouldn’t have followed us” Cethgus words split the air like a sword through paper.

Laurus and Cethgus stood their ground waiting for their opponent to make the first move. With a quick action he dove towards the two men slashing out with his saber. Laurus was the first involved in the combat blocking the man. Cethgus jumped in blocking and avoiding attacks. The wookie and the Zabrak teamed together amazingly working side by side.

“Stop look behind us!” Malaki shouted as he watched the combat that was behind them. The group turned in time to see a light from a roof followed by Cethgus plucking something out of his neck. Laurus had to roll to the side in order to avoid an attack, which would have killed him instantly. No sooner had the furball had moved than the mans boot slammed into Cethgus chest leaving him on the floor as the man ran off into the side allays.

Lying there panting the rest of the group ran up to them and looked around. Yzarc helped Cethgus to his feet who only nodded in appreciation to the young human. Laurus and Malaki started to have a conversation about who that man could have been as they all headed towards Yeldarb fathers shop.

“We need to take a left then a right,” Yeldarb said.

This time the focus was on the four younger members of the group who seemed to have taken the lead on going to this shop. Seeing the signs everywhere it was Yzarc who started of the conversation this time even though he wasn’t much of a speaker himself.

“So what is your father like then Yeldarb” Yzarc question seemed to get the conversation to flow.

Malaki walked just behind the group and Laurus and Cethgus walked at the very back talking to each other about the events that had just happened. All of a sudden the Warrior hit the ground feeling faint and the darkness close around him. Laurus called the group together before carrying the Sith on his back.

“He has been poisoned Yeldarb your father must help us please hurry” Malaki voice was one of a sense of urgency as the group rushed forward.

I like this. Things have happened, it relies on previously established facts of the story rather than introduce new ones, which at this point could be overly confusing. Also features multiple characters. And finally, some spelling check is done.


07-09-2007 03:07:33

Laurus had the unconscious sith over his shoulder, whilst the group were slowly hurrying down the busy street towards Yeldarb’s father’s store. Malaki had his eyes fixed at Cethgus, mainly at an unnoticeable puncture into his neck. The spot was extremely small; it had swollen up and already looked infected.

“Yeldarb! How Far Now?” Malaki shouted.

But before he had finished the group froze, standing in front of the store that Yeldarb had spoken about. Its entrance had been knocked down and an aggressive voice could be heard from inside.

“Hmm Yeldarb with me, Laurus stay out here with the rest of the group” Malaki said holding his saber in his hand.

The two entered the store; it wasn’t a surprise of who was in there. Two men stood behind a third, all three were dressed in the same robes like their challengers were earlier. The front one stood over holding an old Zabrak, the man was threatening him.

“Look Vohokou, my boss wants the money now! The exchange has been on your case for too long now, pay up!” the guy barked at the Zabrak

“I…I can get you the money, I just don’t have it now. Look I have a big sale going on once its complete ill give to your boss what I owe him. Please, just give me a chance!” The old zabrak replied.

The three gang members laughed till one of them spoke. “Look old man, this is your last chance we will be back in two days if you don’t have the money then we will be coming for you!”

The man holding the Zabrak threw him out of his gripped, the three men turned around. They saw Malaki and Yeldarb but they only blanked them out, walking right past them out of the broken down door.  The Zabrak male stood up, he didn’t seem injured but was shaking in anxiety. But it wasn’t long before he was behind the counter and was staring straight at Yeldarb.

“Son, Yeldarb is that you?”

Whatever I said for the previous post, works for this one as well. Plus, I applaud the incentive found in the latest two posts that they do not start with your character's name, and that at least the first sentence is not about your character's actions. Do not feel afraid not to write about your characters - in a good run-on, others will keep in mind to write you in themselves.


07-09-2007 03:10:49

Oh and for the corrected run on thread, just imagine you had arrived at Iridia anyway.


07-09-2007 14:42:56

One thing though; I don't know if I got this right, and if I am, I'm sure you can get out of it, but still:

A guy who can possibly make starfighters that specialize in fighting the Vong for the Brotherhood works in a city cornershop, doors of which can be broken through by brute force so that criminals, no matter what kind, can enter and put a rackett on him?

Yeah, right :P


08-09-2007 04:28:07

Vail who said he was rich enough to own a big fancy shop hey? lol but its a goood point hehe


One thing though; I don't know if I got this right, and if I am, I'm sure you can get out of it, but still:

A guy who can possibly make starfighters that specialize in fighting the Vong for the Brotherhood works in a city cornershop, doors of which can be broken through by brute force so that criminals, no matter what kind, can enter and put a rackett on him?

Yeah, right :P