Why I Hate Star Wars...

My girlfriend doesn’t understand what I see in Star Wars. We’ve had several soul-crushing arguments about what exactly makes this series so important to me, and every time I have found it more and more difficult to argue my case. As the maddening years have wound on, I think I finally understand the reason for this crippling handicap.

There is a diabolical twist to Star Wars fandom, you see, that defies comprehension, and yet is the life-blood of all Star Wars fans. It is this:

Star Wars fans hate Star Wars.

If you run into somebody who tells you they thought the franchise was quite enjoyable, and they very-much liked the originals as well as the prequels, and even own everything on DVD, and a few of the books, these imposters are not Star Wars Fans.

Star Wars fans hate Star Wars.

The primary fulcrum for the Star Wars fan’s hate (including my own) is George Lucas, creator of Star Wars. Unlike Trekkies/Trekkers who adore Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry, Star Wars fans hate the father of their obsession. We hate the fact that George Lucas got it wrong from the beginning, creating incest between Luke and Leia. We hate the fact that he wrenched Return of the Jedi off of Kashyyyk and set it on Endor with those tiny, furry Hobbit bitches he called “Ewoks”, which is a syllabic anagram of Wookiee if you’re obsessed enough. We despise the entire existence of literally half of the Star Wars movies, blaming George Lucas’ greed and flawed ‘vision’ for everything.

We believe George Lucas’ ideal death time was 2:07am, 14 November, 1990.

Star Wars fans also hate the original Star Wars trilogy. We think Mark Hamill’s acting was whiny, the pacing was flawed, and Empire was better than Jedi, making the end of the series a let-down. We hate the way Boba Fett died, and we hate the cantankerous, arthritic duel between Vader and Obi-wan. We don’t understand why the storm-troopers can’t shoot worth a damn, and we don’t get why “an entire legion of [the Emperor’s] best troops”(ROTJ, Palpatine) can be overpowered by a tribal society of midget teddy-bears armed largely with rocks and twigs. Star Wars fans hate omnipotent war-machines that get their legs tangled in strings, or slip on logs. They hate Darth Vader’s face and that stupid harmonica thing he was playing. Star Wars fans hate the original Star Wars trilogy.

There is also, as you probably know, a series of Special Editions that have replaced the original Star Wars trilogy, and these are also hated by Star Wars fans with an even more scorching fervor. Star Wars fans hate the glaring CG changes made to scenes we already hated to begin with. We hate that Han Solo now killed Greedo in self-defense, and then stepped on Jabba the Hutt’s tail (which we liken to Carrot Top stepping on Fidel Castro’s tail). We hate the fact that the ghost of Alec Guinness (whose name is an anagram of Genuine Class, by the way) now stands next to Hayden Christensen (whose name I tried to re-arrange into a flattering anagram myself, but only came up with “Nn…Dense Chest Hair”). Star Wars fans are unsure if Fidel Castro has a tail or not, but we hate the Special Editions of the trilogy just the same.

There is of course also a prequel trilogy to Star Wars. It is newer, more epic, more expensive, and more visually stunning than the original trilogy. Star Wars fans know this, and so we hate it even more. We hate it with the burning passion of a setting pair of twin suns. Jar Jar Binks, Midichlorians, technology that is blatantly more sophisticated than the “later” original trilogy…we despise all of it. There’s nothing a Star Wars fan hates more than a Star Wars prequel. They demystified Boba Fett, contradicted countless lines in the original trilogy (Obi-Wan: “He was our only hope.” Yoda: “No…there is another.” Obi-Wan (not in script): “Oh, right, I f*cking held both of these kids as they were born in Episode 3. Sorry Yoda, I just plumb forgot!”)

Star Wars fans think Mark Ha…uh…Hayden Christensen’s acting was whiny. And the pacing was flawed.

Beyond the movies, there are also various television-related Star Wars endeavors which Star Wars fans despise. Starting with that abysmal “Holiday Special” in which Carrie Fisher appeared drunk and tried to celebrate Christmas through song in a Jesus-less galaxy, Star Wars fans have watched and hated everything. We think Droids was a waste of time, Ewok Adventures was an extension of everything we hated about Return of the Jedi, and we’ve seen both seasons of Clone Wars which we hate because we believe them to be immensely inconsistent with the prequels we also hate.

Star Wars fans think the Star Wars comic-books are a stockpile of contrivance written for marketing purposes by people who know nothing about Star Wars. Every gimmick imaginable to bring back super-weapons long destroyed and token bad-guys long-beaten is spewed forth from these comic books, and Star Wars fans want nothing to do with it. Star Wars fans have read the one in which Han Solo works in tandem with a giant rabbit and we are not impressed.

Then, naturally, there are the videogames. Star Wars fans hate LucasArts, and the opportunist drivel that comprises most of the gameplay-less apertures known as Star Wars games that they vomit up every fiscal quarter. Star Wars fans know that there is no such thing as a good Star Wars strategy game, we yelled at our PS1 when Masters of Teras-Kasi came out, and we kind-of liked the Jedi Knight series, but not at first and definitely not towards the end. Star Wars fans did not like Knights of the Old Republic, unless they were RPG fans. This does not count. Star Wars fans hate Star Wars videogames.

The final main elixir of Star Wars folklore is the ever-growing library of Star Wars books. These have managed to make a complex main character our of practically every background alien seen in the movies, and expanded the universe into a colossal, self-contradictory maze. Star Wars fans hate this. We hate how trite and tired the books were getting before the New Jedi Order series, and we hate the New Jedi Order series for being so radically different, and not nearly trite or tired enough. Star Wars fans hate it when previously-deceased characters are brought back to life, but we also hate Timothy Zahn for not bringing his characters back to life. Star Wars fans did not hate Grand Admiral Thrawn, but we do now, because he is always dead. The Star Wars movies also contradict and completely ignore droves of information within the Star Wars books. Star Wars fans now know that George Lucas has no idea who Jaster Mareel is, and it makes us very angry. Star Wars fans hate Star Wars books.

Now that I have covered all of this, you can finally begin to compute why I can never prove to Emily that Star Wars is a monumental event worth devoting one’s life to. The very nature of the argument means I have to defend Star Wars, and since I am a Star Wars fan, I don’t actually understand how to do that.

Maybe I’ll put it like this. To be a Star Wars fan, one must possess the ability to see a million different failures and downfalls, and then somehow assemble them into a greater picture of perfection. Every true Star Wars fan is a Luke Skywalker, looking at his twisted, evil father, and somehow seeing good.

My earlier statement needs slight revision. We hate everything about Star Wars.

But the idea of Star Wars…the idea we love.

Jive -- Star Wars

i just simply not agree with him.

I like star wars, like the movies, most of the books So he can just die.

by the Emperors will.

Dude, Star Wars is fiction, not an accounting ledger. Lucas didn't set out to create a universe, only tell a story based on the mythic path of the hero. Anytime you watch a movie or read a novel, there is a certain amount of your disbelief you have to suspend to enjoy it. With Sci-Fi and Fantasy, you must do this more. You are technically correct about most of your points, and honestly I don't like Sci-Fi, but the reason I am a SW fan is the lightsaber. I always liked movies with good sword-fighting scenes, and the sabers to me are the coolest things. Don't let your girlfriend ruin the things you should just relax and enjoy. If you let her, she will pick apart the reasons guys like sex more than women and try to ruin that for you, too.

Haha... I agree (mostly) to the quoted OP. With all I like about SW, there's an equal amount I dislike, or even hate. Some is exactly what is described.

I used to like the novels, but then they started flooding the market - as the post said: "These have managed to make a complex main character out of practically every background alien seen in the movies, and expanded the universe into a colossal, self-contradictory maze." I realized this at some point and that's what killed them for me.

I think the big issue is that the rules of continuity are always being changed. I mean... seriously... Luke/Leia. Obi-Wan was there when they were born. Midichlorians? WTF? Come on, George. Get your own story straight.

That's mostly the reason why I like the books more than the movies. These later books are actually continuous, and they don't mention the M-word, and, in my head at least, the characters aren't whiny-sounding. I prefer a story following certain characters in SW (a la Legacy) without delving into "that one alien we saw for a couple seconds in Episode IV."

As far as I’m concerned it is Lucas’ story. He invented it. He can do what ever the hell he wants with it.

I don’t think he’s sitting comfy on his ranch right now, thinking “I’d wish the Dark Brotherhood would stop writing these nasty things about me…”

I doubt he cares a Hutt’s behind about what we think. Apparently someone liked his stories, because he made millions with them.

On a personal note, I like the stories too. They are simple and uncomplicated.
You don’t need three books worth of background info to understand them…

Lucus should leave Star Wars alone, and let creatve people take the lead. lol

I don’t think he’s sitting comfy on his ranch right now, thinking “I’d wish the Dark Brotherhood would stop writing these nasty things about me…”

I doubt anyone here thinks that Lucas is rifling through our comments about him. I just happen to have a very low opinion of his "creative process."

I have as many nit-picking complaints about SW as the next angry dark Jedi, but lets face it: Lucas did pretty damn good. He didn't set out to create an entire universe, and yet SW is the biggest fictional phenomenon world-wide. Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, and yes, even Harry Potter pale in comparison. Being a Monday morning quarterback is easy, but how many creative people have done better than Lucas?

Good point. While his ultimate creativity is rather lacking, he created a universe that almost expands as fast as our own. I will definitely thank him for that.

I agree with with Dralin Vhett, The Star Wars universe has now developed into a constantly evolving and expanding universe.

does that mean that Lucas gave us free will to make his universe in to what we wish it to be?

Sounds familliar some how

SOrry, but I disagree. I love the fact that Lucas set it on Endor instead of Kashyk. I don't think that Hammils acting was whiney. I think I can see it from your point of view, but it just doesn't work for me.

I agree with OP as well. As a Star Wars fan, I am constantly enthralled by the amount of information out there. Its incredible,and I can literally spend hours reading articles on the stuff at wookiepedia. The thing though is that there are so many contradictions, retcons, additions, and extraneous crap that I begin to hate parts of it.

I mean, look at the KOTOR series, I and II. I think that the game play was decent and the storyline was pretty good, but if you take a step back from it, you realize they added a completely new chunk of Sith vs. Jedi war JUST AFTER the GREAT SITH WARS that had already been fantastically expanded upon by the Dark Horse Comics. The story elements such as two new incredibly successful Dark Lords and an ancient species we'd never heard of just make it ridiculous to me.

This, in my mind is a great example of a Star War's fan's feelings. You all can say so easily, I love all of star wars, there's nothing I don't like. But take a moment. Have you ever read a book can wondered why the force powers in the books are so much more unlimited than those in the movies? Ever play a game and wonder why the endless hordes of Storm Troopers will throw themselves at a single Jedi and loose? Or how only mere years after the resurrection of the Jedi Order by a single man, there were suddenly eight bajillion Dark Jedi seeking the Valley of the Jedi for UNLIMITED POWER!

Everyone, I don't care who you are, has had a "huh?" moment with star wars, where you stop and wonder if what you just saw/read/played is actually real. Its that huh moment that leads us to this thread...

I agree with a lot of the things in the very first comment. Mark Hamill's acting was VERY whiny, and I personally was very annoyed with Luke Skywalker as a character in the original series. I've disliked the original series since forever, and only recently have I watched it and not been disgusted by it. I agree with this statement as well: "Star Wars fans hate Star Wars." Only I agree for a different reason: I hate that I am obsessed. I think a lot of people hate that they are obsessed, that they live, breathe, eat, sleep, and think about Star Wars all the time. I, however, love the series. I love the books, the movies, most of the merchandise, and it is my life's dream to own a replica of the lightsabers. So I agree to disagree.