I Need Help/an Editor!

Oberst

18-03-2011 19:39:40

This spot will be for all editing help or writing help in general.

If you have questions about a snippet of your story, feel free to post that piece in here and someone will try to respond (suggestions are open to all). If you need an editor in general, you can also ask for one in here.

egregious

19-12-2011 20:22:49

oberst!

i have been working on this for a while... Although I haven't recived official approval for any of this i was wondering what the house thought of the idea. Grammar and spelling errors aside :P so ill leave it open for debate i guess...

some of it may seem out of order mainly becsue it still is i was just getting a base of what I would like the back stroy of my toon is and how he got to the DJB. Mainly my thought process is that my tor toon and my DJB toon is the same just playing tor is my back story and my DJB will be my futres story.... this way I can have experances in both.


Egregious- (Male Sith Pureblood. Actual age unknown).

After being reunited with the dark energies with the force and deep meditations Egregious has reclaimed some memory of his early life. His Birth place is also only speculated. Egregious believes he was born in slavery in the old sith empire. Some in the brotherhood think he is delusional; some have speculated that only time could reveal his true force powers.

The only memories Egregious has uncovered so far are that he was to be trained on Korriban; only after he was being abused in a mining colony in deep space and used the force to torture and kill his aggressors. After he displayed his force ability to his slavers they quickly returned him to the Sith academy on Korriban. Quickly, Egregious rose in his powers with the dark force teachings of the Sith inquisitor. He was sent on many missions to retrieve ancient dark objects and relics.
While most of this has been pieced together through deep meditation some spots are sketchy. Egregious remembers being dispatched to trace down an artifact of Naga Shadow on Khar Shian, the only moon of Khar Delba. While searching he was drawn into a cave, pulled deeper by a ever stonger pull from the dark side.

While exploring the abandoned cave complex on the dark side of Khar Delba, deep in the bowls of the moon, he was entranced by something he had never seen, a Sith meditation sphere. One that had not been completed but still had the ability to crudely communicate with the young dark lord. The secret hidden lab of Naga Shadow captivated the young Lord with hopes of power. However the sphere wanted to selfishly keep the young lord close by and to quell the feeling of abandonment. The sphere had been driven mad by being abandoned for all those years. It was not long until Egregious was tricked by the sphere to enter an Oubliette (stasis Casket).

Unknowingly Egregious was told that to solidify his powers into mastery he needed to be infused with raw dark energies. Filled with the quest for raw power, Egregious fell for The Dark Eye, as Egregious now recalls told him to enter the now known Oubliette of Naga Shadow. Khem Val also played a role in Egregiousís deception by shoving him inside at the last moment of doubt and closing the lid of the oubliette. Thus freeing himself and from his lowly service. Unfortunately since neither being had the skill or the will the oubliette carried out its last know command, to provide stasis for the next 1000 years.

Little is known of what happened next to the oubliette. Lost and then found, sold and then stolen
all through time Egregious was now an object.
Rumors suggest that infamous Mirialan smuggler, Hylo Visz, was known to be active in the area, and with the Crimson Fleece at her command nothing could stop this opportunistic being. After this, apparently all information is lost with the fall of the Sith empire, and the republicís consistent effort to erase all Sith artifacts from existence.

Egregious calls his finding second birth; he recalls he was lying on an imperial Moffís floor. Apparent data downloaded from recent holo news source suggest it was Moff Abran Balfour that had collect Egregiousís oubliette. Mainly because of reports of mass firefights and a quick cover up that his homestead located in the Parmic sector actually slated for demolition to make way for a new landing pad for his beloved vintage space barge known as the Lady Telura. Local contacts in the Imperial office of land development are baffled mainly because no permits were issued for its destruction. And sadly it was also just commemorated for its completion.
The oubliette was opened as it was intended but something went seriously wrong, for Egregious had no recollections of his past. However instantly he knew he was in mortal danger. Klaxons and flashing lights ruled the room he had found himself in surrounded by imperial forces.
Taking great focus he tried to escape but he however failed. Since when he tried to call on the force, he realized it had abandoned him. He was taken into imperial custody where he was constantly accused of stealing the contents of the oubliette. His anger sparked an old friend and he quickly gained the upper hand. Taking hostages and securing himself in a corvette class shuttle he began to flee off world. As soon as he made his escape off world his stolen ship acquired crippling damage leading him to perform a blind hyperspace jump. After Egregious reverted from hyperspace he was forced to put his craft down on the planet of Yarda II near the largest structure on the planet, Castle Tarentum, where he was quickly captured by the clan of Tarentum of the Dark Jedi Brotherhood.

In Captivity on Yarda II, Egregious was interrogated as a Jedi spy and enemy of the Brotherhood. Only when his ancient saber and original robes were discovered on his escape vessel did the Grand Master Muz Ashen approve Egregious to train with the clan of Tarentum. Grand Master Ashen took all of Egregiousís belongings and made him pledge himself to him and the Dark Brotherhood.
Working with his brothers of Tarentum to reclaim his memory and to permanently reconnect with the force; Egregious has pledged himself fully to the Clan of Tarentum. As a side quest Egregious is also dedicated to reveling more of his past and to find the device that encapsulated him.

thanks all