Grade - Needs Improvment
Alright, where to start?
Incendus, since this is your first attempt at writing within the DB, I'm glad that I have the opportunity to offer you feedback. Please take everything that is said for what it is: advice. Nothing said is any way meant to make you feel insulted, and anything I say from here out is only done in an effort to help you become a better writer, to grow and learn. I ask for open ears and an open mind. The ACB was designed specifically for this, so I hope you learn a thing or two and I look forward to your next contract
Issue 1: Formatting
The space bar is your friend. So is the enter key. There is no pen-and-paper, 100% correct way to format a post, and everyone has their own different variations. For the basic's, though, I would use this as a guide:
1.) Each line of dialogue should get it's own line.
(in bold, I have shown you where this applies in your story)
"You have a new mission.[space]
We want to establish our presence in the galaxy,and we are starting now.[space]
The XMI Machine Manufacturing Ltd. company,located in Dantooine,is working with Black Sun.[space]
Your job is to wipe out any Black Sun members there.[space]
The founders name is Jack Sunrunner.[space]
Your'e going to make him a deal that he can't refuse.[space]
There will be no evidence of dark jedi there.[space]
That means no evidence of the force or your training lightsaber being used.[space]
[enter, to create a break, which makes it easier to read]
"It will be done," replied Incendus.
2.) Always space after a period, to begin a new sentence. Also after using a comma.
Incendus felt the fear in everyone rise once again. [space]
A wide grin creeped upon his face. [space]
The pilot rose into the air,and started trying to clench his neck. [space]
"You see,even though I am only an acolyte right now,you still have reason to fear me.
3.) A healthy rule of thumb for starting off is that a paragraph should be at least 3-lines. After you've written 3 lines, you should be able to start a new paragraph. Again, you can do 4, you can do 1, it's ultimately about making your story FLOW better.
Here is your contract, reposted as it should have been to be properly formatted.
Incendus knocked on the door of Zakath,who had called him to his room.The door swung open almost immediately,and there was Zakath.Incendus entered.
"You have a new mission.We want to establish our presence in the galaxy,and we are starting now.The XMI Machine Manufacturing Ltd. company,located in Dantooine,is working with Black Sun.Your job is to wipe out any Black Sun members there.The founders name is Jack Sunrunner.Your'e going to make him a deal that he can't refuse.There will be no evidence of dark jedi there.That means no evidence of the force or your training lightsaber being used.Understand?"
"It will be done," replied Incendus.
"Good. I've readied an LAAT Transport full of enforcers for backup. Get to it." And with that, Incendus left for the LAAT Transport.
When Incendus was aboard, he could sense the fear in his troops. (This should be in italics, since it's a thought) Good
, he thought , and a wide, evil grin spread upon his face. He was satisfied. He had all of the power of this mission (Not really needed, since this line doesnt add anything or tell the reader anything). Everyone was afraid of him. Upon reaching the atmosphere of Dantooine, Incendus sensed a disturbance. Just when he was about to tell his men to be prepared for anything,the ship's engines were hit by a sniper.
"Sir! We're going down! Everyone brace yourselves," the pilot said. But Incendus already had a plan. He dived from the transport,and channeled his energy through the force. He slowed the ship down,and reassured it a steady landing. (You don't have this power. This is an exertion of telekensis reserved for Dark Adept. Even for them, it would take immense concentration.)
Everyone thanked Incendus, but Incendus had a blunt response for them all. "Don't thank me. That LAAT's engines were hit three times and two of them were critical hits. That LAAT is useless now, and I plan on getting off of this planet, with or without you all."
Incendus felt the fear in everyone rise once again. A wide grin creeped upon his face.The pilot rose into the air,and started trying to clench his neck."You see, even though I am only an acolyte right now, you still have reason to fear me. And you do. I can sense it. I may not have power compared to the elders, but I still have enough to kill you all off." (A good bluff, though any good soldiers would know better)
And with that, there was a snapping sound, and the man fell to the ground, unconscious. Incendus then shot his neck. "There. Have to cover up evidence, don't we? Now that's what will happen to you if you don't start moving." The men started along the way to the company.
They were finally there.The heavy trooper enforcer was told to blow the door down. Once the rocket made impact, it was chaos. Black Sun members started flooding out of the doorway. Incendus pulled out two blasters and rushed in shooting. He saw the leader on a balcony, watching. Incendus jumped to the balcony, and pulled out an Echani vibro-blade. The leader was a togruta (race's get capitalized)
, with a scar on his forehead. Upon seeing Incendus, he also pulled a vibro-blade. That's when it all began (you don't say? Obvious department, and not needed)
. Some of his enforcers had been paid off secretly, and the few who weren't were shot down by other enforcers. (Paid off by whom? This doesn't make any sense)
Incendus should have known. The fear he had sensed had blinded him, and hidden their thoughts from them. Plus there was the fact that the all of the Black Sun enforcers were at the ready when the door was blown down. His power (control is the word you were looking for here)
of the mission had suddenly shifted into the making of his downfall. All of the fire was suddenly focused on him. He ran into another room, and secretly clung to the ceiling. When the leader followed, he dropped to the floor and locked the door. Then he and the Togruta clashed their blades.
"You won't survive this", the Togruta said. "We knew Shadow Gate would move in on us soon,and send one of their feared gatekeepers on us. So we secretly paid off some of your men. You will die today."
"Not likely," Incendus replied
as he fell to the floorand grabbed the Togruta's legs. He then tripped him up, stood, and stabbed the laying Togruta.
"You were dead the moment you stepped in(to)
battle with me, fool."
Incendus suddenly felt as though he could do anything. He felt the odds tip right back into his favor. That same evil grin creeped upon his face again.He opened the door, where everyone was waiting for him. Everyone tried to fire against him, but he dodged and blocked each bullet. (You do not have a lightsaber yet. You can't block bullets. You would need training in Soresu for that. At the very best, you could dodge for cover, or enhance your speed to get to cover)
He started slicing everyone,including his supposed troopers. Eventually their was one left.
"Please,don't kill me! I have children! I was only in this to provide for them!"
"Everybody loses something." And with that, Incendus flipped out his blaster and shot the enforcer's head.
Then, he found the owner."I'm here to make you an offer you can't refuse. Pay Shadow Gate to protect your store. I would hate to see something happen to it. Or to you. So what do you say. Pay us or..."Incendus looked at his bloody vibro-blade.
"You've done enough to convince me.I-I'll pay."
"Good." Incendus put his sword back into the sheath."Oh,and I would think of something to do with these dead bodies. If the cops (it's a shadow port..there are no cops.)
come to our HQ doorstep, expect to find me at your's within the hour. And your company makes machines.Do you happen to make ships?"
"Y-yes." [he replied. You don't have to it for all of them, but it's nice to let the reader know who is saying what dialogue]
Incendus grinned once again."Then I'll be needing to borrow one.And don't expect to see it again"
"T-t-take your pick."
"Good. I'll take that one." Incendus pointed at a red starfighter.
"Thanks. You're (should be your)
cooperation on this matter has been exceedingly helpful today. Don't worry about those bodies. I don't have anything to pay you with, so I'll throw them in the lake. I heard there is a monster there, which is probably why nobody can swim there." When he was done, Incendus returned to Seren, in the red starfighter.
The biggest problems you have are with realism. You are an ACOLYTE. In terms of the movies, you're not much stronger than Anakin in Episode I. Ok, maybe not that weak, but picture Anakin as he first started training with Obi-wan. He has basic control of the force, basic combat skills. You don't get to run around like you're Chuck Norris. I think a more humble understanding of your character will help a lot.
Also, going forward, I want every post you write or create to be proof read. All of us use proofers, even myself. We all check each others work, and help each other get better and grow. A proofer would have pointed out every error I just pointed out. I highly recommend using Google Docs (if you're not familiar, we can show you)
I'm going to list a few examples of contracts that where done well. I want you to read each of them once before you post your next contract. All of this will help you towards your ACC qualification as well. They have my notes as well. I think it will help.
- Ryan Neal, a former Journeyman about your rank.
- Ronovi, possibly one of the best writers in the Brotherhood. She's amazing at creating a story, character, and her technical ability is near perfect. Read anything by her, it will make you better.
- Dash, Sashar, Teroch - One of the most creative people I've ever met. An amazing story teller and also one of the best writers I've ever had the pleasure of working with. Read anything by him for an example of what good writing is.
Those contracts should give you a better idea of formatting, story telling structure, syntax and what is looked for in telling a good one.