Sashar – Post 1
To explore the relationship of the two combatants in the opening paragraph is pretty basic, and yet still effective, ACC’ing. The difference here though, is the fact that you have used not only their relationship as characters, but also their relationship as adversaries in the arena. The two opening paragraphs are exemplary as scene-setting and establishing character depth. Nice work.
Bearing in mind the location of this particular fight, it makes sense to establish the surroundings early on in the post. Although you have clearly exhibited the arena in your 7th Paragraph, I feel it may have been better to include it earlier, if only to get a real feel for the murky, putrid bestiary. It would have added a bit more atmosphere to your writing, but saying that, it is not necessarily a major issue, just one I thought I should address.
“Sashar’s old lightsaber, named to signify the bond he felt with all of his brothers in the Erinos family had been destroyed on the battlefield outside of the old Citadel during the Yuuzhan Vong invasion by none other than Zandro himself during their last encounter.” – There should be a comma after ‘family’ and before ‘had’.
“Sashar had since kept it in reserve. It appeared that he’d kept it in reserve for Zandro.” – Repetition is usually an effective tool to emphasise a particular point. I can see what you’re doing here, but it doesn’t seem to read well, perhaps the inclusion of a dash or a semi-colon to join the two sentences may have been more effective.
“It was a poor choice of arena, in Sashar’s opinion.” – Sorry to disappoint
“…they warranted at least a half-decent arena in which to due-” – This works well as a cut-off point; I think your decision to initiate the fight after this sentence works well, even if it is a simple technique.
The following paragraph is a technically sound piece of combat writing; I like the way you have incorporated aspects of the fight with the surroundings. It is much more effective than a block of description followed by a block of combat writing. I also find it amusing that the mighty Sashar can be distracted by rain.
“Sensing the tension from the fight, the Drexls became uneasy in their corrals and began to growl and roar, almost as if egging the two brothers on.” – Nice touch. Good to see the development of atmosphere.
“…defensive saberplay like rain on a window.” – Nice simile. Good job.
“So sudden was the change, and given that the two brothers were a mere pair of meters apart that he had almost no time to hop back a couple of paces.” – This sentence doesn’t make sense. You’ve used ‘he’ after ‘two brothers’, without establishing which brother had ‘almost no time to hop back’. Similarly, the tempo of the sentence doesn’t quite strike the mark.
“Before the Consul could formulate a suitably pithy retort, the Elder leapt backwards, and threw himself out of the breach into the sky. Gaping, Zandro ran over to the lip of the precipice and goggled at what he saw.” – Brilliant use of the terrain. A definition for the term ‘thinking outside the box’ if I ever saw one. Nice work.
The last couple of paragraphs really throw this post into a realm of its own. Taking the fight outside of the bestiary and into the skies shows real ingenuity and, above all else, adds a new dimension to the fight. This, coupled with the well-written prose, exemplifies a brilliant end to a first post.
Overall, this post started off with a few errors, however, that is just it: I had to try hard to pick up on the errors and the use of the scenery, the establishment of atmosphere and the description really set the fight up for an interesting turn of events. Nice work.
Zandro – Post 1
Inner monologue, nice touch, JD.
“…Zandro ignored his half-brother for a moment as he surveyed the scene around him; Drexl’s barrelling around and fighting amongst each other…” – The imagery in this sentence is brilliant. The one thing that lets it down is the use of the semi-colon. I don’t think the second half of the sentence could stand as a sentence in itself, and it is for that reason that the semi-colon is wrongly positioned. This is a minor glitch in the prose, though. I, for one, am not one to correct on semi-colon use, but I thought it was a necessary point to rise. Saying that, I love the description, nice work.
“Fly me closer, I want to hit him with my sword.” – I can’t fault you for being direct.
Nice inclusion of humour and an admirable touch of misfortune. Plans can, and do, fall through and I think that has been established in your description of the wayward Drexl. Nice work.
The following paragraph works nicely. I like the development of atmosphere and the continued imagery of the unruly Drexl. The one issue I notice with it is that it doesn’t develop the fight. A few slashes here and there, but nothing to really pull the reader into the intensity of battle. In a novel, or short story, it would work well, but with a limited combat-writing post, I think it is a little overbearing.
Another change of scenery and another change of tempo. I like the way this fight progresses. Nice work. Also, good job on continuing the humour. It’s a humble touch, but it works.
“…dualist’s salute…” – I don’t quite get whether you mean a ‘duellist’s salute’, or some form of ambidextrous salute here
Overall, I like the way this post flows. It is, by all intents and purposes, a solid second post and it progresses the battle, developing on the major twist added by Sashar. The only real issue is that there wasn’t much to call ‘combat’ in the post. Saying that, however, it works well in its own right as an enterprising, and ultimately scene-setting piece. It certainly reads well and it brings a smile to the face of the reader. Good job.
Sashar – Deathpost
This opening paragraph is fantastic. Really sets the scene and the descriptions and imagery give it a very ‘calm before the storm’ feel. Good job.
I like the progression of the fight, it is very methodical and it really appeals to the reader. Especially the use of Force powers to add different dimensions to the fight. Nice work.
The use of Obliterate on a Drexl is not one I’ve heard before, but it is certainly effective. Again, great use of the surroundings in the post. I can tell you spent a little more time writing this one that you did the previous post.
“…glared balefully …” there’s a lot of baleful glaring going on in this fight. Again, the repetition is a good addition, but this comes across as sloppy to the reader.
As we come to the runt/bat’s appearance in the fight, I can’t help but think that, for an individual with 17/26 in their force pool, Sashar may be reaching a point of Force exhaustion soon. It does quote in the CS Attributes section of the ACC rules that: “A character possessing this level of Force Pool may use powers below their rank nearly at will (though excessive uses of the Force may still tap them out)…” This does suggest that the Force connection Sashar would have is exceedingly strong, but the type of force connection one would need to develop Wraiths from ethereal to material beings capable of bearing weight, such as the Drexl in the previous post, or the ability for the Runt to guide Sashar back to a smooth landing would require considerable concentration. This coupled with the fact that both posts have been punctuated by Equite-level force powers leads me to think that this is slightly beyond Sashar’s capabilities. This point is further developed with the summoning of two further wraiths.
All things considered, the imagery of Wraith versus Wraith is interesting. I like how it pans out. Nice job.
Overall, this was a nice deathpost. I would have liked to have written more, but the post was well-written and exceedingly executed. As mentioned previously, my only real issue was that of the seemingly limitless pool of Force Sashar seems to be able to dip into, especially to summon four wraiths, use Equite-level attacks and sustain the connection to the Drexl. Saying that, this was a fantastic post and one that was engaging, exciting and almost ever-changing. This sort of battle is one that is just as much about ‘fraternity’ (not the lightsaber) and family as combat itself, and you managed to address both beautifully, whilst setting a brilliant scene and using your surroundings to your advantage. It is noticeable how much effort you have put into this post. Nice work.
Zandro – Deathpost
“…and yet somehow this fight felt different somehow.” – This repetition fragments the brilliant sentence preceding it. Although I can see and point out the mistake, others may not be so appreciative of the sentence leading up to it.
“He recalled a similar saber lock he had been in before, the one where an enemy Equite had destroyed the Arconae’s left eye before being cut down by the Sith.” – Great reference to character history – nice work.
“…utilising his superior dexterity to try an overly…” – someone’s been reading the character sheets. Nice work in weighing up Zandro’s strengths and Sashar’s weaknesses.
“…Warlord’s jaw had he not erected a hasty barrier in the way of the strike [PCG][BAR].” – Original form of defence. I like it.
“The defensive move proved to have another benefit; Sashar’s strike hitting the barrier had an effect similar to punching a brick wall, and the bones in his hand shattered upon impact. A yelp of pain was all that escaped Sashar’s lips but it was enough to alert Zandro to his momentary chance.” – This is a nice twist to the battle – good job.
“…his blade a whirling miasma of crimson as the speedy Warlord sent out attack after attack that the more robust Obelisk worked hard to turn aside.” – I don’t think miasma was quite the right word to use here, it just doesn’t seem to fit.
“The Adept was adapting admirably to the temporary loss of his right hand, but even Sashar, as skilled with a saber as he was, was finding it a struggle to defend with his normal finesse without the use of his dominant hand.” – Unfortunately this comes under the category of continuity. Sashar’s dominant hand is, in fact, his left.
“The Warlord had noticed that Sashar had seemed even more distracted than he should be if it were just his hand keeping him from fighting to his full potential, and now that he paid more attention to his opponent’s injured appendage, he saw that the bones seemed to have knit back together and the wound was healed up [HEA].” – This is a nice continuation of the earlier inner monologue: “Can’t let him stop long enough to heal that hand.”
“Sashar turned around to see the Pit Wyrm looming over him, Zandro’s only Wraith eerily silent as the rain beat down upon their arena. Sashar acted with surprising speed, leaping to the side and lashing out with a telekinetic blast intended to blow the Wraith back into the ether, the power of the strike surprising even Zandro who had thought that he had known the full extent of Sashar’s power [MSS][OBL]. The Obelisk’s strike sailed invisibly towards the Wraith that he faced, only to pass through the creature as the illusion that Zandro had placed on his half-brother shattered into a thousand pieces, leaving the Adept facing nothing but air.” – Sorry for the extra-long quotation, but this really is a fantastic piece of combat writing. Nice work.
“A feeling of foreboding descended on the Erinos Patriarch and he wheeled around just in time to witness his younger brother literally shouting the Drexl to oblivion [SFS].” – This is a bit too close to Sashar’s post for comfort.
“…Zandro’s sonic attack, vomit hitting the floor as the Adept tried to banish the spinning in his head.” – I was going to say nice imagery, but I don’t think ‘nice’ quite appeals to the nature of this quotation.
“Come on, I need a medic and you need a wardrobe change, you’ve got vomit on yourself.” – absolutely love
Overall, this was a great deapthpost. The larger paragraph towards the end was full of excitement and twists that had, up until this point in the fight, been few and far between. It was a brilliant use of the force and a fantastic piece of ingenuity to come up with such a post. The only things that let this post down is the continuity error of Sashar’s hand, and the somewhat slower pace that your post had towards the start. Taking this into account, though, the way this post was written and the details you have included are fantastic – a real testament to your skill as a writer. Well done.
This was a tough decision to make. This fight has presented some fantastic twists, some excellent imagery, humour and brilliant prose. All the things that appeal to the reader seem to be in abundance in this particular encounter.
Sashar, your posts were fluidly written and your ability to not only describe the surroundings well, but use them to your advantage is admirable to say the least. You really captured the essence of the fight between two brothers and you seemed to let the battle flow through your writing, rather than forcing twists, plot changes appeared natural rather than imposed. The only issue I seemed to have was the one mentioned in your deathpost; to use so much force would undoubtedly debilitate Sashar and this is something that brings the fight down in terms of technical prowess. Your structure, prose and description, however, were spot on.
Zandro, your use of humour and your similar ability to really let the plot develop, rather than pushing it in a certain direction really prevails and it shows how well you can both write when pushed. You are both seasoned veterans in the ACC and it really does show. The friendly banter Zandro seems to express to Sashar brought the mood from a slightly sombre note to something more family oriented, which was something I was thankful for. Your descriptions, use of imagery and your general composition of the posts were sound, but the one thing that let you down was the continuity with the hand, and the small issues with repetition and misplaced words. I know it sounds pedantic (and it is), but I had to find something
to offer advice on.
Unfortunately, Zandro, it is for these reasons, and the fact that Sashar seemed to spend a little more time refining his post, that I am forced to award Sashar Erinos Arconae
with the win. Its not something I wish to do again any time soon, but well done guys. As you both know, there has to be one winner, and as much as I’d have liked to pick both of you, it just wasn’t possible.
Both combatants really showed their worth. Well done guys, you made this an exciting battle to read, and a hard one to judge.
Wuntila Zratian Entar,
Proconsul of Clan Arcona.