Ronovi – Post 1
“… lightsaber growling red in his grip.” – I’m not sure whether this description has the desired effect.
“… was like a dragon clawing its way out of her constricted blood vessels in an effort to break through the chest.” – Rather wordy. Nonetheless, good imagery.
“… The honored Arconae had started with a Vapaad swing, then broke off the aggression with a keen throw of the shoulder to switch his saber into a Soresu stance. Ronovi realized, as she struggled to maintain her near-mastery of Vapaad coupled with her unyielding rudimentary Juyo knowledge… ” – Try not to specifically address the Lightsaber styles used. Granted, it tends to help when you are initialising the description, but using the style names excessively tends to fog up the atmosphere of the post. In future, try to be more descriptive with how you present the attack, only punctuating it with the name of the style. Though, again, good imagery.
“…Force power of horror rather than illusion. However, it was still a suitable distraction, and it made Zandro's head pivot one way while Ronovi leapt the other, Equite Speed zipping through her legs…” – ACC annotations should have been used on both these descriptions. It is an ACC rule and, as stated in the rules post, ACC rules are enforced in this tournament. Saying that, It is a good description and I know you’re new to the ACC atmosphere, so its not a significant issue, it is just one I thought necessary to address for future tournaments.
“… surge hot like whiskey in her veins.” – I don’t know what whiskey you drink, but if its warm it tends to taste quite bitter. Either way, nice description.
“…but the eyepatch slapped against what was one his left eye would prove a hindrance to him.” – Should have been ‘once’. Other than that, nice use of Character sheet reference. Good job.
“…Broken Gate punch just as the Erinos succumbed to Carinor speed and caught the Exarch's wrist deftly in his right hand.” – Same application as the Lightsaber styles apply here. Try to describe the punch as opposed to naming it. It’ll give your combat writing more of an edge in future.
Overall, this isn’t a bad post. Other than the issues outlined above, it was a succinct and very imaginative way to open the fight. Your grammar and spelling is sound and you seem to have used the resources available to you well. You’ve created a nice atmosphere for the battle to progress into.
Zandro – Post 1
“…Warlord allowed a trickle of Force energy to syphon into the muscles of his right arm, allowing them to surpass the normal limitations and enabling the Sith to hurl his opponent away from him.” – As I stated previously, the use of Force Power Annotations are imperative in such a fight. It just enables easier judging. Other than that, this is a concise and well-described execution of Enhance Ability.
Great introduction of ‘The Wyrm’. It built suspense and it provided quite a nice twist to the battle. Again, needed annotations, but well done.
“A sound akin to ripping cloth rent the air as reality itself seemed to tear.” – You’re a poet and you didn’t know it.
“…He looked at the environment around him, acknowledging the pros and cons of each piece of different terrain…” – Nice use of Intelligence and Wisdom there. Nice work.
“Hoping that Ronovi would be expecting some sort of attack following the obviously distracting first move, Zandro reached out with the Force and sensed his opponent some way before him on the other side of the whirlwind that the Consul had set into motion.” – This is a bit of a confusing sentence. I think the biggest downside of it is the use of ‘the Consul’, having already established Zandro as the main actor. ‘He’ would have been sufficient.
“The illusion of a wraith attack from the right was just that, an illusion. Zandro hoped that his practise with the use of the Force, particularly the more delicate uses such as the implanting of images into someone else’s mind…” – A three-worded utterance that should help you in future: Annotations, annotations, annotations.
Overall, this posts exceeded my expectations. Much like Ronovi’s first post, it really captures the reader and draws you into the atmosphere of the fight. Perhaps the real clincher in this post was the tactical twist and the fact you left said twist on a cliff-hanger. Seriously though, if you guys don’t start using annotations in the next round, I’ll have to go medieval on you.
A well executed post. Well done.
Ronovi – Deathpost
“The Wraith coiled about Zandro's feet like a serpent, but it didn't need a rattle to strike fear into its target when its heavy, fang-laden head was enough material for that.” A 6 meter-long wraith curling around Zandro’s feet would result in Ronovi only being able to see his top half. This is a huge incarnation, so I think this was a little optimistic. I did, however, see the image you were trying to conjure. Nice work, it just didn’t fit in, continuity-wise.
“…like blood and platelets blending together in a rusty temper tantrum above her head.” - Fantastic description. Love it.
“In her panic, she was awed by the demonstration, entranced by it. The cyclone was dancing for her, its choreography cyclical and never-ending. Petals flew in all directions, ripped up roots whipping past Ronovi's ears and catching in the strands of her hair that had broken away from her ponytail. Dirt and dust snapped at her eyes like they too were beasts with teeth. She breathed as the smell of floral perfume grew bitter when mixed with the salty dirt and sour grass. But in the midst of the blues and reds and yellows and whites, she saw black ooze forward, unctuous yet drifting like smoke.” – Sorry to cut & paste a whole paragraph, I just wanted to say that this is the sort of writing the ACC needs. Its vibrant, atmospheric and it really sets the tone of the fight. It’s a fantastic piece of writing, well done.
“But that couldn't be right. According to the spare knowledge that Ronovi had, Equites' Wraiths couldn't quite attack, only defend.” Fatal error; Force Wraiths can both attack and defend, but they are easily overcome with the force. This is a shame, because the post really does deserve an award of some kind.
“…landed in a pile of broken thorns and petals, like a vicious royal carpet had been lain out for her return.” Nice description. Lovely job.
“Regardless of the thing's incapability of striking her, Ronovi let out a small squeak as she watched its jaws open and close. Zandro was already marching forward, and the Wraith could have very well passed off as evil living coattails for him.” – Again, unfortunately the force Wraiths can attack.
“Ronovi could sense that while the Erinos's Force powers were depleted, his physical strength was not. He was still fast and fierce, jaw set as he lashed forward at the Exarch. She found herself blocking more than punching or kicking, using Hapan arts to reflect Zandro's fists from her chest and face. She did not dare strike for fear that she would touch the beast separating her from the Consul's body.” – Nice use of the Wyrm as a barrier between Ronovi and Zandro. I like it.
“She heard Zandro chuckle at the sight, the scuffling of grass heard under his Wraith's bulk as the scars on his face stretched in subtle glee.” – if this sentence were a woman… Nice job.
“…as the power of obliteration charged into her circuits and erupted from her hands like an invisible fireball.” – Annotation required, again. Other than that, well done. You seem to have mastered what few have: the ability to dissipate a Force Wraith. Nice work.
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH!" – Unnecessary.
“As a Force minimalist, Ronovi was unused to channeling such great Force power all at once. As a result, it had rendered the Exarch completely exhausted.” – All characters have limitations. You have used that limitation and implemented it during the fight. It’s a nice twist on the generally gung-ho approach most people have to their character in combat.
Overall, not a bad deathpost at all. It was very engaging, extremely well-described and beautifully crafted. Unfortunately, I fear that your knowledge of Force Wraiths is somewhat thin, and thus the post could have had quite a different feel if you had fully grasped the Wraith as an attacking, rather than defending, tool. Nice work, though. Really well written, especially for an individual who doesn’t ACC and as an ACC-Newbie against an ACC-Ace.
Zandro – Deapthpost
“Without even his lightsaber to fight with, the Erinos knew that the only thing keeping the odds balanced was the fact that Ronovi was without her lightsaber as well.” – Continuity box = tick.
“…Zandro’s descent began as he reached the apex of his jump, his momentum carrying him down towards the one-eyed figure below him.” – This whole paragraph is well-written and succinct. It carries the battle forward. Nice work.
“A sudden thrill of fear…” – Thrill of fear doesn’t sound particularly right.
“With as much speed as the man could muster, Zandro cancelled the Force link to the wraith, taking away its anchor to the physical realm and banishing it to the ether even as it bore down onto its master.” – Nice work with the twist. Good job. Both you and Ronovi have made an interesting fight through the twists and turns you have used. Its really made for a good read. Give yourself a pat on the back.
“…energy he had left… exhausted all of his Force energy.” – Energy repeated, throws the sentence off. Otherwise, nice work.
“…fight without his weapon and would have to focus on using his body as a weapon, Zandro charged towards his opponent.” – Again, repetition. Not major, but something to look out for in future.
“The sound of retching split the air as the Exarch’s stomach emptied itself all over the floor that stood in front of the Citadel.” – I would like to say ‘nice imagery’, but that could easily be taken the wrong way. Instead, I’ll say interesting imagery. Again, annotations needed, but good work.
Overall, a very nice deathpost. Very well-written and a fantastic number of different twists and turns, including tripping Ronnie up in her own vomit. Very interesting. It was a nice end, also. Progressive and developed. Good effort.
Of the first posts, Zandro was victorious in terms of plot twists and turns; Ronovi, for her beautiful prose and her atmospheric introduction. There is very little to distinguish an outright winner between these two as they are both fantastic pieces of literature and definitely worth a read later down the line.
Of the deathposts, Zandro pipped Ronovi to the post. Both were fantastic pieces of writing again and it was not for a lack of trying that Ronovi didn’t progress. It was, in the end, down to the fact that the force wraith is depicted as a defensive item, as opposed to its true nature. One can only speculate as to how the post may have developed later on down the line if the Force Wraith had been written correctly, but my guess is that the result could have been quite different.
You should both be proud of your efforts and you’ve done Arcona and the ACC proud with your posts.
As much as I’d like to differ, I have to declare one winner and that is Zandro.
Zandro, you now advance to the second round. Ronovi, you had a fantastic fight. It was purely on technicality that you lost.
Great job guys, well fought.
-Wuntila Zratian Entar,
Proconsul of Clan Arcona.