This is for public reveiw, as part of my task to get a scroll
For the first ten years of his life, Kalak did not know what he was, who he was. He went about his life stealing what he could. He joined a gang of thugs on Nar Shaddaa and was taken as a sort of son by their leader. The leader gave Kalak his name. He soon became accustomed to the crushing of people’s minds and bodies; it never really suited him though. There was no finesse involved, just brutal violence. He grew up big, strong and healthy that is, until he had his first encounter with the dark side of the force. A dark Jedi his face hidden, his voice like sandpaper sent a wave of force upon Kalak. He had no idea that it was the dark side. It twisted the way he thought forever. He felt a new intelligence, a thirst for knowledge. The dark Jedi read his mind, his thoughts and who he was. Kalak was amazed, new doors had opened in his mind. It was then that he learnt what he was, who he was and what he was going to be and do.
As a 12 year old, he stowed away on a ship that was going to Coruscant in order to get training. He took everything he had and bought a holocron to teach him rudimentary knowledge of things like xenology. He soaked it up and was eager for more He went straight to the Jedi temple, its tall proud statues guarding the entrance allowing him in. He was determined to join. They were rather suprised by the fact that he had made it here alone but were glad of the fact he had no emotional attachments. Kalak was in his element, top in his classes. But he began to get annoyed, they were holding him back, stopping him using holocrons. They cautioned him with tales of Darth Revan. He stole one and secretly studied it. He was waiting for his time to come putting his body through immense training. He was only 16 when he killed the padawan in his sleep. He doubted that the Jedi council felt it; they would never have noticed that it was him. They found the padawan the next day. He had a single blaster wound to the head. They were too blind to notice a disturbance, and started to chase after smugglers. It was the perfect opportunity; He left and started wandering from planet to planet stowing away on ships and stealing any teaching data pads he could, although he had received extra lessons at the temple. He also wanted to study ancient ruins that littered the galaxy. He wound up on a strange planet and decided to wander. He had wandered for a while and he collapsed. When he woke up he was in front of a 6 metre statue of the great Sith Lord, Mark Ragnos. Bending over him, with an exression of concern was a kindly looking man of about 60. He asked Kalak who he was and he replied " Just Kalak". The man questioned where his parents were and when he found out that he had none and that he could read and write, the man was very impressed. He asked if Kalak would like to come and live with him on Frellor. Kalak agreed and the man took him to his personal shuttle.
On the journey, the man revealed his name as Lorey Naicaac, and he was one of the most powerful men on Frellor and the richest man in the sub sector. The shuttle landed in a massive estate, with a huge mansion. Lorey gave Kalak his second name. Ragnose, as the place where they met was in front of a statue of Ragnos. Kalak's early time on Frellor was possibly the best he had ever had. Fine robes, Expensive cuisine and dozens of interesing data pads soon made Kalak as intelligent as some one twice his age. He became extremely cultured and enjoyed the fine life. His Room was massive and he had a personal library for all his data pads and books. Kalak had sprung up several levels and had been told by Lorey that he would inherit his position and wealth. It had turned out that his new father had a passion for shooting and they often went out shooting manta's. Kalak had also been introduced to the rest of the powerful and social elite. With his natural charm and a tiny use of his pheromones, he had them wrapped round his fingers.
As an extremely intelligent individual, Kalak soon entered into Diath university of Coruscant. He took many courses but in particular, micro-Biology and and ancient history. He was top in all of his classes and had perfect grades. It was also here where he fell in love.
Kalak had a brilliant history teacher quite remarkable with all his knowledge. One time they travelled to the graveyard world of Korriban where Kalak was attacked by a Shyrack. He let loose, by accident, a force shock, killing it. He reminded himself over and over again. It’s all practice. He still didn’t know what had come over himself. Was he MAD? He heard a voice in his head. At this point he thought he definitely was mad. He went to the makeshift camp that the teacher had prepared. In his sleep he dreamt of killing that Shyrack. It brought him such pleasure. The next day was perfect. They were to wander into the valley of Golg; it was dangerous territory
“If you see a Rancor, you must come rushing back.” Said the teacher
“Why?” one of the dimmer witted of the students asked. The teacher replied, “Because if you don’t you will be eaten in seconds!”
Kalak had let out a small grin. He and his partner had walked to a tomb. The old door slid open and they ventured forth into the darkness. As they arrived at the sarcophagus chamber the hall behind them caved in. His partner began to go mad. Kalak punched him and knocked him out. The Falleen opened the sarcophagus and saw a mummified figure and next to it was a dagger, 25 cm long and a crystal. He had an idea and walked over to the student. Kalak placed the knife on his throat and pulled him to the sarcophagus. He slit his throat and the blood dripped in to the sarcophagus. A hidden door slipped open and he bowed knowing it was the Sith spirits who had helped him. He kept the items and crept out. The teacher while annoyed at the loss of his student was happy with Kalak’s explanation and no more questions were asked. The items went into a hidden room in the eccentric’s house and stayed there until he died, years later.
Kalak completed university and went onto one of the top medical schools on the planet.
It was hard work but he managed to get all A in the tests that they threw at him. The resources they had were extraordinary. He made a friend there who would later join his gang. This was also where he had his first and last taste of love. A pretty student named Helena was in his year there and he instantly fell in love. They dated for a while and just for that time Kalak felt unbeatable. That is until he caught her with another student. He snapped. He also snapped them. Their necks, him first then his former lover. Oh how easy, it was her ivory skin crinkled at his touch and the echoing crack of her windpipe as the cartilage snapped. That was the only time he fell in love. She broke his heart irreparably. The Med School put her disappearance down to the fact she was drug addict.
Kalak emerged at 25. He was determined to be the best. When he completed his exams, he got a job in a top medical research facility. He worked very hard every day and every night. The bacteria fascinated him and he was always experimenting. He thought that he was going to be promoted! He felt like a rising star blazing through the sky. At the time he was wondering when the time would come. He killed four patients accidentally and took later their bodies for research. They didn’t know that it was him for the deaths looked fairly natural. After four years he was fired because of poor conduct. He was seething, and he was incredibly vengeful. They couldn’t have picked a worse time. He felt an urge to kill. Kalak then released a deadly bacterium killing everyone, in the facility and in the hospital. He realised that something very bad, for me, had just happened. The Falleen left the planet, chased by the CSF, the Jedi and the patient’s families.
From that day forth, Kalak had no empathy. The events shaped him into a merciless being, a servant of the dark side.
Andan Taldrya Marshall
Hey Kalak, here's my take on your story:
Overall it's a little bare - there isn't much detail. The story reads more as a list of things that you've done then a story about your history. An area that you might want to try to expand could be your first contact with that Dark Jedi. You really should talk more about how you ran into him and how he got inside your head. You should also talk more about what you mean by "new doors had opened..." and "he learned what he was...", those two things confused me a little because they weren't explained at all. Something else that you may want to expand on is your time in the gang. What did you do? How did being part of the gang shape your early life? What kinds of things did you learn from them? Finally, how did you get away from the gang? Also, holocrons are rare and expensive, even in the Old Republic era, you should explain how you got the money for the one that you say you bought, in addition to how you found and got your hands on it. The part where you killed a Padawan also needs expanding. If you wanted that to be one of the steps towards falling to the Dark Side then it's a great chance to do that, you just need more detail (try including your feelings and emotions, that's a big part of the Dark Side).
I'm not going to go into a big discussion about grammar that should be fixed, if you'd like me to go through that PM or email me about it and I'll email you a .doc of your story with grammatical comments (it'll be easier for me to point out things and for you to know what I'm talking about that way). The one thing that I will say here is that Dark Jedi and Padawan are both proper nouns and need to be capitalized. You sentence structure is also a bit simple and that gives the story a bit of a repetitive feeling.
I don't want it to look like this is a horrible story, though. It needs some tweaking but it's definitely a good start and has plenty of potential to be an amazing story if you expand some parts.
Alright, overall the story has a tremendous amount of potential for becoming a fine piece of fiction. You are actually covering a considerable span of time, in a very short space. What you have written is good, although it is a bit dry and at times a little hard to follow since you use ‘he’ and ‘him’ so much. Take your time with your writing; the creation of your character’s history is something that can quite easily develop into a great work of fiction. Let it flow, look at ways to add depth, details, flesh out parts and expand them. Use variety in how you refer to people so you avoid the same pronouns being overused.
Think of it this way, when you write, especially something like this, your goal should be to bring the reader in, pull them into the story, make them want to finish reading it, leave them wanting more. Details and imagery is a big key to accomplishing that goal. Remember to include setting, the environment, that helps give the reader a sense of *where* they are, and what’s around them, it helps them to visualize the area. Adding details on thoughts, emotions, and senses will also make the story more real.
Not only should readers come away from your story with an understanding of who your character is, what they have been through, ect, but also they should be able to visualize the other characters you mention, to see a whole picture.
If you have questions on specific things, or want some suggestions, feel free to catch me via PM here, IRC, or Email.