To Kill A Toad (humor)

Note: This piece of writing is a rewrite of the Count Dooku vs. Yoda scene in Attack of the Clones. It starts at the end of Anakin & Dooku fighting. This is simply "a bit of fun" I had at Yoda's expense.

ANAKIN charges at COUNT DOOKU. The force of his attack
catches the COUNT slightly off balance. ANAKIN's lightsaber
flashes. COUNT DOOKU draws back.

COUNT DOOKU: You have unusual powers, O Whiny One. But
not enough to save you this time.

ANAKIN: Don't bet on it!


COUNT DOOKU: There's no reason to whine about it! Its not like I've cut off your arm or anything! Now that's a super idea, don't you think?

OBI-WAN: Anakin! Stop being an idiot! And stop whining....its truly embarassing. I mean really!

OBI-WAN uses the Force to catch his lightsaber and he
tosses it to ANAKIN. With TWO LIGHTSABERS, ANAKIN attacks.
COUNT DOOKU parries and ripostes. It's no contest. ANAKIN
is driven back against the wall. He loses one lightsaber.
Finally COUNT DOOKU, in one flashing move, sends ANAKIN's
arm, cut off at the elbow, flying, still gripping his
lightsaber. ANAKIN drops to the ground in agony.

COUNT DOOKU: Don't you want to whine some more before I kill you?

COUNT DOOKU draws himself up to deliver the coup de grace.

Suddenly, through the thick smoke, emerges the heroic
figure of YODA. He stops on the smoke-filled threshold.

COUNT DOOKU: Master Senility......uh, I mean Master Yoda. You stupid lily leaping moron!

YODA: Count Dooku.

COUNT DOOKU: You have interfered with my plans for the
last time, and ( coughs) jeez take a bath sometime-you smell like pond scum!!

COUNT DOOKU levitates machinery, hurling it at the tiny
figure of the JEDI MASTER. YODA recovers and deflects the
machinery. COUNT DOOKU then causes great boulders in the
ceiling above YODA to fall, and again, YODA deflects the
boulders which fall around him. YODA deflects Force
lightning thrown at him by the enraged COUNT DOOKU.

YODA: Powerful you have become, Dooku. The dark side I
sense in you.

COUNT DOOKU: Did you JUST realize I was evil? You aren't the brightest toad, are you? I have become more powerful than any Jedi. Even you, you decrepit fly eater. I also can speak properly. A talent that, in well over 800 years, you have failed to learn. Thus it would appear the old cliche is true.

YODA: Which is?

COUNT DOOKU : You can't teach an old frog new tricks.

COUNT DOOKU continues to hurl Force lightning at YODA, who
deflects every blast.

YODA: Much to learn you still have.

COUNT DOOKU: So do you, you old goat! OPEN FIRE!!!

With that, turret holes open up in the stone walls. Machine guns appear through these & open fire on the unsuspecting Jedi Master. His body falls limp as hundreds of bullets rip through his flesh. When the gunfire finishes, all that can be seen is blood & bile & shreds of cloth. Guards rush in.

GUARD: Orders, my Lord?
COUNT DOOKU: (Pointing at Obi-Wan & Anakin) Shoot them. Alot. And hand me your com-link.
Off screen is the sound of both Jedi dying.
COUNT DOOKU: (Turning on the com-link) Padme. How's our problem?
PADME: Dead as a doornail. The Chancellor is dead. These Terran weapons are wonderful. Palpatine never expected a thing.
COUNT DOOKU: Did you do what I asked?
PADME: Yes, we cut the head off. Right now, some younglings are using it to play "Kick the Can" in the street. They didn't have a can.
COUNT DOOKU: No problem, see you at home shortly.
PADME: Until then.
(Fade out. Roll credits)

:blink: You have some serious problems Nah, it's good comically but it just makes no sense and is totally random. I like it.