Madness?

I tried...
I tried to warn them. But they would not listen.
Instead they threw me in this forsaken place.
A place of madd dreams and feavered thauts.
Damn them. They are blind.
But I can see... THEM...
I know
I know THEIR devices.
I can smell THEM, you see.
And fire, fire is the key to purge THEIR wretched souls for our reality.
Hear me, we must fight THEM.
THEY are comming to bring forth the worlds ending.
You must help me, you're the only one who believes me...!
You believe me, don't you?
Don't you...?

I tried...
I tried to warn them. But they would not listen.
Instead they threw me in this forsaken place.
A place of madd dreams and feavered thauts.
Damn them. They are blind.
But I can see... THEM...
I know
I know THEIR devices.
I can smell THEM, you see.
And fire, fire is the key to purge THEIR wretched souls for our reality.
Hear me, we must fight THEM.
THEY are comming to bring forth the worlds ending.
You must help me, you're the only one who believes me...!
You believe me, don't you?
Don't you...?



I very much like the psychological aspect of this. You convey what the speaker is thinking and feeling, and the reader feels pulled into it, part of it. I think you do a good job of capturing the desperation and confusion of your topic, and try to share that to the readers, especially with the plea at the end. So, I really liked the feel of this piece.

In fact, it left me wanting to hear more. If you wanted to expand on this, adding to it or between lines, could explore: Why is fire the key? or the points about senses that you touched on:
They are blind, but I can 'see'. 'smell' them. 'hear' me.

Another repeated theme, as you've capitalized, is Them. This could be the key for your patterning. I'm not saying it should be strictly structured. Why are some things capitalized and not throughout? Is this on purpose? I would guess the speaker is stressing that word, maybe hatefully. Maybe use italics to show what the speaker is emphasizing.

I realize that most of it is not supposed to make sense - and you do a good job of jumping around and showing incoherent thought. But I'd break it up more into where the speaker would pause, whether that is at the end of a thought, or to show that he is rambling into the next.

There are a few spelling errors, as if you did not run through a spell checker. Mad, fevered thoughts, coming.

I know this is free verse, yet I would have liked to see more of a rhythm or pattern to it. Here's my suggestion for breaking it up, and I added one line to make it more of a pattern.


I tried...
I tried to warn them.
But they would not listen.

Instead they threw me in this forsaken place.
A place of mad dreams and fevered thoughts.
Damn them.

They are blind.
But I can see... them...
But they would not see.

I know
I know their devices.
I can smell them, you see.

And fire, fire is the key to purge their wretched souls for our reality.
Hear me, we must fight them.
They are coming to bring forth the world's ending.

You must help me, you're the only one who believes me...!
You believe me, don't you?
Don't you...?

I absolutely LOVED this piece you did. I gave me a sense of the speaker's insanity, but also what he feared was coming after him.

Lokasena,

This is a great poem, full of emotions - uncertainty, anger - and, as Mayda noted, it allows the reader to fully feel the wonder of the words.

However, one thing that stood out was the fact that there were four spelling errors, scattered throughout the poem. Although it does not detract a large amount of enjoyment from the poem, it is something that must be avoided in the future.

Well, Mayda pretty much touched on everything that was on my mind.

Great work!