09-02-2007 15:59:43

“What if you could live forever? What if you could rule the world? All these questions are what keep me awake at night, I don’t know what I would do if I found the answers, don’t know what would happen either. Yet, I know there are many people with the answer, but are unwilling to answer to them and are unwilling to undergo their punishment for their crimes!”

The night was dark and depressing, yet it was very peaceful at the same time. Rain had just started to fall and spatter on the roofs of the houses arranged in lines of five up and down the sides of a small suburban area. One dim beam of light slowly rolled across the bitter, wet pavement and revealed a tall, largely built man standing in a black trench coat wearing an old, brown hat that looked similar to a cowboy’s. His head was bowed were you couldn’t see his face. A hoarse voice crept through the moist air that filled the darkness of the night.
“I’m here, my friend, I’m here. Don’t you worry about a thing Zanorthas, don’t worry, I’ll find you.”
As mysterious as this figure may be, he slowly raised his head and tilted it to the right about a quarter of an inch and smiled. Revealing a gloomy grin and cold, dark eyes, a quick chuckle filled the night. He straightened his head and started in a slow pace forward and slowly started to pick up speed until he broke into a straight run that was, what seemed to be, faster than twenty miles per hour.
“John, John did you hear something in the back,” a young woman’s voice quietly asked as she gently shook her husband lying next to her, “John, John wake up, John!”
“What is it now, Julie, it’s two in the mornin’? Can’t I get any sleep before I go back to work; I only slept for three hours yesterday.”
“Oh, quit your complaining, it’s not like I don’t work either, its just I heard something in the backyard. Go check will ya, I think something’s trying to get over the fence.”
“Fine, fine, don’t get your pajamas tangled. I’ll be back in a few, I’m going to get something to eat and drink.”
John sighed and slowly sat up in the bed and turned on the bed side lamp to his right; he swung one leg over the edge of the bed and then swung the other over as well. He slipped his feet in a pair of house shoes that was a moldy green and yellow color. He grunted and sat up rubbing his head, he stood up and stretched. After stretching he stumbled to the big, pale yellow door that led to the house’s second floor hallway and across to the bathroom. As he closed the door behind him and turned around he came face to face with a tall, dark skinned boy.
“Jeez! What are you trying to do to me, Rannik, give me a heart-attack or something? Be bad if I only died at thirty-three.”
“Sorry dad, didn’t mean to scare you, just I heard a sound and came to see what it was. I was coming to wake you up to see if you heard it, too,” Rannik said sarcastically as he rubbed his head and let out a small chuckle. Rannik was tall for a thirteen year old; he was already six foot with a well built body and a deep toned voice. He was very smart, too; his head was full of dark red hair and his face and arms were covered with light freckles. You could hardly notice them with how tan his skin was.
They both sighed as they started to walk towards the stairs leading to the first level of the house. As they got to the bottom of the stairs, they heard another loud thump out side in the backyard. They paused for a brief moment and started again. John placed his right index finger on his lips and made a noise that sounded like the ocean running up on the shore early in the morning when no one was there except for the seagulls and the different types of birds flying around the sand infested shoreline. They started to move slowly again, John broke off from making a straight bee-line from the stairs to the back door and went to a closet next to the front door and opened it revealing an old wooden baseball bat that was used so many times, it was starting to chip around the thickest part of it.
“What do you think it is those pesky raccoons again?” Rannik asked with a quiet voice.
“No, I don’t think it’s them this time, kiddo. It sounds bigger than a raccoon. Probably just a dog or something, but I’m not going to take a chance, not without my trusty old bat.”
John gripped the bat’s handle harder and harder until they both reached the back door leading to the grassy backyard. He reached out and grabbed the door knob and turned it slowly to the right. The door made an awful squeaking noise as it slowly opened to reveal only a small kitten that crawled under the fence and knocked over some metal cans.
“Guess I was wrong, didn’t think a little cat could make so much noise,” John said with a nervous voice.
“Wouldn’t be the fist time would it, Dad? Well, I got to go back to bed, I have school tomorrow. Even though school teaches you what the TV can teach you better, no point in having school at that rate.”
“Yea, yea, just go back to bed. I’m going to get something to snack on before I go back to bed. See ya tomorrow.”
Rannik laughed and headed back to the stairs and to his room. He had a very “dark” room, kind of eerie looking, too. As he approached his bedroom’s door, a dim red light came out from under the door; he didn’t know what it was. Rannik slowly stepped forward from where he was standing and the light just vanished. Vanished like it wasn’t even there or didn’t even happen. He opened the door quickly to see if he could catch a glimpse of what that “light” was, but he wasn’t able to find anything that could emit such a red light and just disappear like that.
“Guess I’m seeing things now, better get to bed,” he mumbled to himself before walking in and shutting the door behind him.

I will probably post some more later on when I have written it....

Ylith Pandemonium

09-02-2007 16:02:52

This counts for 1.5 page, you will need 8.5 more pages and do 2 reviews on other stories to
qualify for a Dark Side Scroll.


**Note: When reviews are made, posts links on this thread. If you submit new material,
be sure to link and mention this to add in post count.**

Jagan Roda

26-03-2007 16:49:16

That was very good, if not a little confusing. The building of tension within the piece was nigh on perfect, I was gripped throughout to find out what was in the backyard. It written very much in the style of what you would see in a horror movie, with the unexplained noises and the mysterious lights. It hit me on a personal level too because I find things like that scare the life out of me anyway, I do not know why. The only problem to me was the very, very, very confusing ‘cowboy’ at the beginning of the piece, though I am hoping that there will be more information revealed in later chapters. Apart from that the writing and the writing style was extremely good, and as I said before it was written very well as to achieve tension. The only other criticism that I may have with the piece is that the length of it was perhaps much to short, as I was already drawn in fully into the story, but as soon as that happened the story ended. Now don’t get me wrong it is a very good technique to keep the audience wanting more, but you have to put them past the point of no return first. What I mean is that there is a certain level for most people that once they reach that point they want to read more, but if they do not fully reach that point then their interest will not be kept as much. In a way it is really an all or nothing situation, and especially in a story where you break it up into many chapters, making the reader come back for more is imperative. In all though a very good story, I look forward to the next part.