The Great Wookie War

Yadar Shyk

08-02-2007 10:36:51

ACO Yadar Shyk (Obelisk)/Oriens Obscurum of Arcona [ACC: INI]
Cr-1E-1Q / CF-BlF
{SA: KS: ToL - AS - IRC - ACC - HS1 - HSII - O: SCORE - TS}

open for public review

The Great Wookiee War

There once was a war between the wookiees. It lasted 5 long and perilous years. This war was between the wookiees corrupted by the empire and the wookiees that were still loyal to the republic. The leader of the dark side was Yadar Shyk and the leader of the light side was Ralrracheen. The battle had started when Yadar had aligned himself with the Dark Jedi Brotherhood. He then decided to take control of the Kashyyyk. The war then started on the beach of Kashyyyk was so many battles had been fought before.

The first blow was struck by Yadar sending a sith assassin to attack her. She then sent a squad of wookiees to attack him. The war as then all out. Yadar and a squad of wookiee then attacked the city Okikuti destroying the homes there. When Ralrracheen heard of the attack she dispatched a squad of wookiees to deal with the attack, Yadar easily dispatched of these nuisances. He then led an all out attack on the capital Rwoolrrorro.

The battle had started it was wookiee facing wookiee, brother facing brother. Soon wookiee bowcasters were firing on their own makers and Yadar had killed his own brother. As the battle raged on there were wookiees dying left and right. One wookiee had had is head severed from her body. Yadar then pulled out an E-11 blaster rifle, a gift from the brotherhood. He started to fire at the wookiees of the light side. One wookiee fell and then another until Yadar ran out of ammo. Then Dorn and his team of Rodians appeared out of a hangar. “You had to start without me Yadar, didn’t you?” Said Dorn. Then Dorn charged killing wookiees left and right with Frenk.

Once the battle was in their favor, Yadar and his friend Dorn attacked Ralrracheen by themselves. As they arrived Dorn and Yadar attacked her but Dorn was shot while charging. As he fell Yadar went into a blind rage tearing the wookiee who fired the shot limb from limb. Dorn then cut off Ralrracheen hand with his sword, Frenk. Yadar then cut her head off using his Sc’rath. He then went and displayed it saying, “I am victorious bow down to me weak light side.”


08-02-2007 19:44:41

I think you have a nice idea going here, but overall it has good detail, but not enough. And length, while this would be reasonable for liek...a quarell between two squadrons of 5 wookiees, it is not acceptable for a war between most of the Kashyyyk planet inhabitants.

And also once you join the DB, you are rarely allowed to leave. And if you took control of the planet, you would forfeit it to the Iron Throne when you came back. And if you were to take control of a planet, it shouldn't be one as canonically involved as Kashyyyk. You have a good writing skill; just put more time into fictions, make them longer, and go into more detail. And you have a misguided few of DB regulations.

Sorry if I seem harsh, I'm trying to be truthful.

Yadar Shyk

08-02-2007 20:39:29

hey i am new thats why i want review to know my mistakes


08-02-2007 20:42:15

As I said, you have a good writing style, :D

You just didn't have enough detail; and a DBer shouldn't be able to take a planet fo rhimself...on his own at least :D

I look forward to reading a piece from you

TIP: Next time, take like a month to write a long fiction...those'd be awesome from you

Yadar Shyk

09-02-2007 08:54:17

my next one involves alot of people including my master lucius :w00t: :w00t: :w00t: :blink: ones me take a guess

Ylith Pandemonium

09-02-2007 09:40:46

This counts for 0,5 pages, you will need 9,5 more pages and do 2 reviews on other stories to
qualify for a Dark Side Scroll.


**Note: When reviews are made, posts links on this thread. If you submit new material,
be sure to link and mention this to add in post count.**

Yadar Shyk

09-02-2007 19:15:20

hey in the guidelines it says that if you have 3500 chrachters of prose it counts as one page of prose and in my word it has over 3500 charcters but if its not prose just disregard this

Yadar Shyk

09-02-2007 19:21:00

reviewed Dismal's Knighting ceremony

Yadar Shyk

09-02-2007 19:25:32

also read and reviewed dismals first lightsaber


09-02-2007 19:53:15

Theres a handy edit post feature, as you can avoid double posting :)

Ylith Pandemonium

09-02-2007 22:14:44

hey in the guidelines it says that if you have 3500 chrachters of prose it counts as one page of prose and in my word it has over 3500 charcters but if its not prose just disregard this

I follow the length of text, not amount of words.

And on another should be at least half a page liners do not count.

Yadar Shyk

09-02-2007 22:29:08

ah, ok sorry im new.on this new one ive got one and a half pages so far.

Ylith Pandemonium

10-02-2007 22:52:39

no biggie, we're all here to learn somehow ;)

Yadar Shyk

10-02-2007 23:11:52

newest story here

daek pyro

14-02-2007 11:46:30

I really enjoyed the story you made. I think once you get the hang of the way things work you will be a excellent writer. I am working on a long fiction now to post it onto my topic. I recentley wrote about a sith on mine.