This is the rewritten history of Crimson Tide member Alonzo Bodelle, that I wrote as for a Clan Plagueis Project. See Orzon for details.
Alonzo Bodelle was born to a middle class Devaron family in 13 BBY. His father, Durza, was a pilot for the Imperial Navy. His mother, Nusa, was a stay-at-home mom, but she was very unfaithful, because Durza was often away on patorl. Many times, young Alonzo came home from his school to find his mother 'pleasing' another man, but the young Dathomir would never tell his father this, because he was too scared and uncertain. Finally, when he grew to the age of 13, he became fed up with his mother's ways and told his father. When his father returned from patrol, he came home, and the two parents started a huge quarrel, screaming at, and hitting, each other. Alonzo was frightened so much, that he left home, and never returned.
For the next five years, the Dathomir traveled his home planet, never staying in one place too long. He had many low-wage occupations such as bartending, cooking, etc. He was only making enough to feed himself, but one day, luck found him. He met a Devaron woman, named Yzmira, and they soon fell in love. Yzmira came from a rich family, so she was spoiled and brattish, but nonetheless, they got married. Their relationship never did go smoothly. Yzmira was often overambitious and dominant. After two years of marriage, Alonzo could stand it no more, and he left her. Alonzo was now 20 years old, and he yurned for adventure, so he became a part of crew of the vigilante freighter ‘Apocalypse’.
There were numerous confrontations with Imperial vessels back then. The captain of the ‘Apocalypse’ had an exceptional luck to manoeuvre through blockades and such, but after the end of the Galactic Civil War, things went bad, and the captain ran out of luck. The ‘Apocalypse’ was en route to Naboo, when a squadron of space pirates from the 'Crimson Tide' attacked them, leaving the 'Apocalypse' heavily damaged. As soon as the freighter was disabled, the pirates started to board. The capatain and a large number of the crew were killed during the fight, while Bodelle and few others were heavily wounded.
Bodelle managed, with his last strength, to jump into hyperspace and get the freighter on a remote and safe location. It was a remote location indeed, but not a safe one. The squadron managed to follow the freighter through hyperspace, and captured the ship, stripped it from its parts and tried to convince the remaining crew to join their cause. After being taken back to their base on Shola, Bodelle and three others of the ‘Apocalypse’ were persuaded by the captain of the 'Crimson Tide' himself, to become part of their ranks, after extensive torture.
During his career of proximately twenty years within the ‘Crimson Tide’ he became the right-hand of Crimson, due to the fact Bodelle was able to make difficult decisions under pressure and was able to get rid of every competitor. Later, on a patrol run, he was captured by the Dark Jedi of the Dark Jedi Brotherhood located in the Accarr system, and the 'Crimson Tide' temporarily replaced him with Raxor Kidd. A young, overzealous individual who desperately wanted to replace the old right-hand. Bodelle knows this, but was currently unable to have any influence there.
During captivity, Exar's Shadow and Commander Aabsdu Dupar interrogated Alonzo greatly, but he told them nothing. Then, a rouge group of pirates snuck into the castle and helped him escape. Battle Teams Exar's Shadow and Blades of Kun were sent after the pirates to recapture Alonzo and recover the blueprints of the Plagueis Temple that had been stolen. In the end, however, Alonzo was able to escape in orbit around Dathomir just as the pirate ship was blown to pieces by the teams. He made his way to the planet's surface, where the remains of the Crimson Tide had been hiding, and prepared to work his way back into leadership. The captain of the 'Crimson Tide' gratefully accepted the blueprints, but refused to put Alonzo in his old spot of right-hand man. Instead, he gave him control of the Tide assassins, a group of five highly trained men who's only goal was to kill.
The Devaronian reluctantly accepted, and agreed to help the Tide attack the Plagueis Temple in an effort to destroy the clan once and for all. His only request was that he be allowed to personally kill Aabsdu Dupar, commander of the team that had caused him so much misery. They are still plotting the plan today.
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There is good basis there for a story, yet I felt that the details seemed very rushed. I know that it was only an outline for a story but still there did seem to be a lot of missing information, and things happened much to quickly. For example, it would be good to explain deeper into Bodelle’s feelings at each time, it seemed a bit too ‘easy’ that he would just adapt so quickly to each new situation. Maybe introduce some more conflict within the piece, and give more times of peace to contrast the times of conflict much more drastically. It seems that Bodelle’s life all happens at a super-fast pace, so instead of keeping the action at a constant 6-7 the whole time, why not reduce some parts to a slower 4 maybe but then really excite the reader with 10 actions to mix it up a bit. Another minor problem was that in parts the writing style was a little confusing, with commas being put in at wrong points. I can not really judge on this as I too make the same mistakes, but maybe it would advisable to read your work out loud as to understand how it sounds when read. I cannot just focus on the weaknesses though as there were positives in your piece, primarily the very-deep knowledge of the Star Wars galaxy, and your prior research or perhaps your knowledge you already possessed showed greatly. That is a great basis for any Star Wars fiction so you are on the right track, and your writing skill and the ability to write in more depth will soon come so easily to you, it is simply practice. You definitely have the potential though as your ideas are very good. Keep it up.