05-12-2006 19:44:23

This is a fiction I wrote for my English Class. I stole a lot of Dark Brotherhood Names, so if you see those, they aren't realted to here. :D


Tales of Zernia
Chapter 1: The Beginnings
By: Dustin Saunders
December 4, 2006
Block 2

One day in the year 3 after the Great Reform, the Kingdom of Zernia was suffering a horrible storm. A little boy was being born during this storm. The baby was being born to Jianna and Laigerick al'Tor. The al'Tors were peasants, meaning they had no money. They couldn't afford a doctor to be present, so there was only the helping hands of Laigerick. Custom dictated that the Great Sage, Grandmaster of the Order of Wizards, and representative of the order on the Royal Senate, should be at the birth of every baby. He was to be there so that if he could sense the baby was touched by magic, he could take them off to start their training as a wizard or witch. However, the Great Sage was part of the Hlaga Caste, also known as the Nobility Class. He, like all Hlagas, thought of peasants as filthy, disgusting pigs who couldn't pull their own weight. The truth was quite the opposite; the peasants were the real heroes of Zernia. The Nobles depended on the service of butlers and maids, and cowered at the slightest thing, such as a mouse scurrying through the halls of their castles. The poor were brave at heart, and they worked for a living, truly provided for themselves. Anyway, seeing the Sage's beliefs, he wasn't present for the baby's birth. Truth be told, he only came if he felt extreme ripples in the Vana. The Vana what was enabled Wizards and Witches to bend reality at their will, and binded every living thing together. But, Jianna and Laigerick's hopes were crushed when the Sage never showed up. The baby was born with no medical help, or any magical supervision, but he was born nonetheless. The baby was dubbed Aabsdu al'Tor. He lived a normal infancy, but that started to change when he entered late childhood.
By the time Aabsdu was the age of nine, he loved doing a variety of things, such as running through the fields, or swimming through the lake in the outskirts of his village. He loved the placidness of it. The work on the farm came first though. However, he always finished and found time to pursue his own interests. Aabsdu lived his life carefree until he reached the age of eleven, where our story truly begins.
Aabsdu, now entering adolescence, was out feeding the pigs. His torn overalls and white tee shirt were heavy, dreched in sweat. He was also tired as he could be. He was relieved to hear the familiar, nasal whine of his mother's voice. "Aabs dear, supper's ready!" Jianna exclaimed. "Coming mother!" Aabsdu replied. He gratefully sat down the bucket of slop and ran as fast as he could toward the run down shack he called home. Aabsdu ran with a certain grace, and swiftly to boot. He could run fast, unlike his family. His father, Laigerick, was a hefty man entering his forties. And his mother was not hefty, but not atheletic either. Aabsdu walked into the cottage. The putrid smell of cabbage invaded his nostrils. "Aww, cabbage stew again Ma?" Aabsdu whined. "You know cabbage is all we grow, and heaven knows we can't afford any other food. King Dantes doesn't give a single care about the poor, and thus he doesn't pay us near enough. Now, sit and eat," his mother replied. The boy sat down at the roughly carved wooden table, which was getting to small for him, not to mention his parents. He hesitantly dipped his spoon into the green muck, and lifted it to his mouth. He ate what little stew was in his bowl, and put it into the tub of filthy water they called a sink. "Can I go out and play now, Father? It's getting dark," Aabsdu asked his father. "Sure son, just be back in time for bed, you hear?" Laigerick replied. "Yeah dad, I will," Aabsdu said, walking out the door. He prepared to run down the main road, but two cloaked figures invaded his view. They were both wearing white tunics, and white loose pants. They were also garbed in a long, flowing brown robe. "Boy, take us to your home, we have some royal business to settle," one of the men said in a deep, smooth voice. "Yeah, sure," Aabsdu replied with a curious look in his eye. The group of three walked briskly back to the shack, and entered. Aabsdu's parents were in the sitting room. Jianna was sitting in her favorite rocking chair. She was knitting quickly, and the rocker was making a high pitched squeak as she rocked. Laigerick was sitting on the old couch, napping. He was snoring rather loudly, and a single vein of drool was running down his cheek. Jianna looked up at the sound of the group entering. "Laigerick, wake up, we have some visitors," Jianna snapped. Laigerick awoke suddenly, and wiped off his face. "Hello madam," one of the robed men said. "Greetings, gentlemen," Jianna said. "Aabsdu, go to your room. It's not polite for children to listen in on adult's conversations," Jianna said. Aabsdu bowed, and left the room. He did not go to his room, however. He stayed at the door to listen. He knew that it was wrong, but curiosity overpowered him. He heard one of the deep voices say, "Hello ma'am, my name is Robinson Scorpius, and my partners name is Valerian Orzon. We are both Priests of the Order of Wizards. We have something to reveal to you." "The Great Sage has sensed that your son is a Wizard," Orzon piped in. "So your saying little Aabs can use magic?" Laigerick questioned. "We think so. Right now, he couldn't use it on purpose. However, if he felt extreme emotions, such as anger or sadness, something out of the ordinary may occur. We would like to take Aabsdu to the Dunestar Academy for training," Scorpius said. "Well, do what you must," Laigerick replied. "Aabs! Come in here!" Laigerick shouted. Aabsdu entered back into the sitting room. He saw his mother with her face buried in her hands, sobbing hysterically. "Son, these two men are Wizards. They want to take you with them, so you can be trained," Laigerick informed Aabsdu. "So, I can do magic?" Aabsdu queried. "We think so, but if you come with us to Deneba, we will test you and find out. If you can't use magic, you'll be sent home. However, if you are touched by the Vana, your training will begin immediately," Orzon said. "Aabs, pack your things. This'll be good for you," Laigerick said. Aabsdu shrugged his shoulders and said, "Okay." He then went to his room, and packed what little clothes he had into a small bag. He returned to the room with his parents and the two Wizards. Aabsdu kissed his mother on the cheek, and hugged his father. "Very well, now lets go," Scorpius said. The trio then walked out the door.


05-12-2006 19:46:47

I have also written this piece:

Dismal's History

Droveth Kathera Vectivi

05-12-2006 21:24:42

Ahh, Dismal. Who knew you had it in you. I guess The Powers of Spam have graced you with Writing. Anywho, onto the review. :P

I like the way you write. Most people just go right out and describe the characters, but you spent a few paragraphs, slipping in a bit here and a bit there. I liked that. Also, your writing style. It's very fluent, and consistent.


Onto the bad parts. Although this is partly the forums fault, you need to space, double space, and indent you paragraphs and speech. Also, the dialouge was a bit choppy, and a little cliche' (Wheres the accent when you need it). Also, It felt as if the story was rushed. There was no emotion, the explination was too quick, and I'd like to hear more about this fanstasy world. Its quite intriguing, really.

Well, I plan on reading the link to your history aswell, so look forward to it.

* Also, good thing you stuck that disclaimer about the names at the beginning, or you would have had some serious complaining.

Peace out. ;)

Droveth Kathera Vectivi

05-12-2006 21:25:12

Ahh, I very sorry.

Ignore this post, my computer lagged and I doubled.

Don't yell at me, please. :(

Ylith Pandemonium

06-12-2006 04:10:02

This counts for 1,5 pages, together with your previous story it's a total of 2,5 pages. You will need 7,5 more pages and do 2 reviews on other stories to
qualify for a Dark Side Scroll.


**Note: When reviews are made, posts links on this thread. If you submit new material,
be sure to link and mention this to add in post count.**


06-12-2006 17:00:22

Droveth, the history is sort of outdated, and short. If you want to really see my history, check out my wiki page :D

Laigerick Sithelhood

09-12-2006 21:25:18

Ah, very good indeed, my English Class Buddy :D


This was a very well written piece indeed! It had a flow to it and it was very imaginative. It definatly would be a great story after some minor tweaks.


All and all, it was great, but I'm with Drov on this one. It was very rushed. I would like to learn more about the main characters childhood, and how his talent of Magic first appeard, and what emotional scenarios he went through.