Raiders of the Lost Cantina, PART 1


26-08-2006 10:48:22

OK this is a fanfic I wrote about me and my friends from the Star Wars message boards from awhile back. OK it's super long like 20+ pages so I'm going to keep it in short parts as not to wipe your eyes out and try and keep your attention. It's really a good spoof I hope yall enjoy my difinitive vision of, Raiders of the Lost Cantina.

Raiders of the Lost Cantina

The heat on Tattoine is already blazing even though only one sun is visible above the horizon. In the distance a group of figures is trudging through the Jundland Wastes over dunes through canyons stopping occasionally to speak with the locals and the roaming Jawas to get to their lost home this is the tale of …

Starring: Orby, Bushy Bush, Douglass Fett, Saber, and Maulinator9

This band has been trudging through the deserts for days looking for their beloved cantina. The leader of this party Orby is a stout leader but still is lacking something and is hoping to find it on this endeavor. Bushy well not much can be said about Bushy except that he is a seasoned veteran. Douglass the new guy is just starting to come out of his shell and is very quick with a blaster. Saber he is Orby’s right hand man they are always looking to help each other and provide advice. Maul well he is everyone’s favorite guy he just showed up one day and was immediately accepted as a part of the tribe.

Bushy is the first to speak “Guys I think I’ve seen this dune before”
“Of course you have they all look the same” Saber replies agitated.
“Wait,” Orby pipes up “look a gleaming on that dune about 50 yards ahead” says Orby pointing to a dune in the distance.

The group picks up their pace as they hurry to reach the dune first. Maul is the first to reach the point. He starts wiping off sand, “Nothing just a wrecked speeder”
“Any chance to repair it?” asks Doug hopefully.
“No”, says Maul dashing Doug’s hope “looks like Jawas or Tuskens took every thing but the shell.” Orby comes to a stop just short of Maul
“Well we just have to keep looking” The group forms back up with Orby taking point and Maul picking up the rear.

It is about mid-day on Tattoine with both suns now directly overhead the group is looking for a place to rest. In the sun not many types of life can survive other than the dreaded Krayt Dragon. The group finds a cave that looks like it would be a good resting place.
“I hope that nothing to big lives here.” Says Saber as he shucks his knapsack.
“No I think this may have been a Dragon’s den but from the smell it seems abandoned.” chimes Bushy. Maul starts a fire and gets out the womp rats that the group was able to snag earlier. He hands the skinned meat to Doug and goes over to set up the e-web at the mouth of the cave. Just then Orby and Saber who had been exploring the cave deeper come running back to the group holding what looks like a Krayt Dragon egg shell.
“What is that!?!?” Yells Doug
“A Krayt Dragon egg shell” replies Saber “and there is a sleeping baby back there.”
“We need to move now get every thing pack…” Orby is cutoff in mid sentence as the ferocious roar of a full grown Krayt Dragon
“OHHH SITH!” shouts Doug as he ducks for cover.
“Maul get the e-web”, Orby calls as Maul is already headed to the cannon and powering up the shield. And begins unloading a salvo into the dragon but it doesn’t even phase it. The dragon rips through the blaster fire from the E-11’s that Orby and Saber are blasting at the beast they fall at the thundering footsteps of the raging creature.
Suddenly Maul cries out “FIRE IN THE HOLE” as two thermal detonators go flying over Saber and Orby as Douglass is still hiding out of shock from seeing a full grown Krayt Dragon for the first time that would even bring a trained Lord of the Sith to a state of shock. Bushy is still blasting away at the dragon and suddenly sees the detonators and hits the deck then BOOOOOOOM!! The explosion shakes the entire canyon.
“WOOHO!”, yells Maul as the cloud of dust begins to clear “Got him.”
As the group celebrates a low roar can be heard from the back of the cave as the roar grows louder the din of the groups celebration begins to die down. Then Doug drawing his Briar pistol turns and fires at the charging beast as it runs toward them in a split second he tosses a thermal detonator in to the maw of the beast. A muffled explosion is heard from the belly of this ferocious creature as it falls to the ground with a dull thump.
“Way to go Doug, Thanks man” is the chorus heard from the group as they congratulate their old friend. One thing is still sitting in the back of Maul’s mind that was just a Canyon Dragon which is dwarfed in size by the Greater Krayt Dragon which can swim in the dunes of the planet as Orby comes over to him holding two Krayt Dragon pearls and puts one in Maul’s hand
“There were ten of them in there so we each get two we’ll be wealthy when we get back to the Inner rim”, exclaims Orby, sensing something wrong with Maul he voices what Maul is thinking “That was a small one I don’t want to come across a big one.”
“Yeah” Maul says lost in thought.
They head back over to the group to rest for the night and eat this night they will sleep through it is unknown weather they will sleep well the next nights.


As the suns creep over the horizon the group of travelers is already on the move they are combing the desert every dune every canyon for any sign for their precious cantina.
“YAR!! I’m sooo bored” says Bushy for the billionth time.”
“Bushy please shut up” blurts an annoyed Saber. This is not the first time the group has been at odds they try very hard not to kill each other and well its not easy.
“Guys this is hopeless” says Doug obviously depressed about not finding the cantina yet.
“No its not we are getting closer as we speak” says Bushy
“Yeah we’ll be there soon” says Maul to reassure Doug
“Orby whada’ you think?” asks Doug but Orby lost in deep thought doesn’t reply
“Orb…” Doug goes to ask but is interrupted as Saber puts a cautionary hand on his shoulder and shakes his head and tells him to leave Orby alone.
“Orby left a peace of himself when we had to leave the cantina we all did. So just leave him be this is sort of a religious thing for him.”
They continue on in silence for a few hours until they see what looks like an outpost.
“Look an outpost” says Maul as they near the tower.
“That’s one of Black Sun’s outposts” says Bushy
“How can you tell?” asks Saber
“The markings on the tower. Do you see the sun on the side with the black spot in the middle.”
“That’s black Sun’s logo” It is a devilish symbol that was the symbol of fear for over two centuries
“Well don’t worry Black Sun is no more than ancient history now only small factions are still loyal to Xizor and still think he is alive.”
“Really thought they were still around” says Maul
“Guys we can stay here for the night” says Orby finally saying something for the first time today.
“Right” they all say in what seems as flawless unison.
The friendship and bond between these friends has grown over their desert trek and they have seen sides of each other that they haven’t seen before where normally calm and collected the side that most see the have exploded maybe it’s the heat or the endless wandering but if anything they still have hope for finding their lost place of fellowship and brotherhood.
In the back of his mind Maulinator is remembering a conversation that he had in the bar with CorSec and old friend


“CorSec, don’t you see they can’t kill the Cantina it is the very essence life killing it would be like killing the enthusiasm of trekkers everywhere. I don’t care we will find the old cantina and we need all the help we can get are you with us?” Hands CorSec a blast helmet
“The choice is yours.” Grabs Sporting Blaster and stuffs it in ankle holster. Disassembles E-Web and puts it in backpack and slides vibro-ax in back sheath.6
“Hey I still need night vision goggles anyone got an extra pair?”
Grabs CHAX and goes back to packing.

Hmm… Maul thinks to himself I wonder what CorSec is up to. Little does he know that things aren’t going so well back at home.


“OOF!” Grunts CorSec as he gets leveled by a mod.
“Where are your friends?” asks Lad one of the worst mods
“Not here they don’t have to be here all the time do they?” says CorSec defiantly
“No they….” Lad is interrupted in mid sentence as ChickenMan busts in the Cantina Armed to the Beak.
“Hey what in the SITH is going on here?” yells Chicken man which Immediately stops the mods from beating up the few left in the cantina CorSec, Jawa Joey, Jaguar and anyone else who happened to be there.
“Chickenman” says CorSec weekly “Get out while you can” there is a thud as CorSec hits the ground unconscious. All the mods then turn their attention to Chickenman who then draws his Lightsaber and takes a defensive stance.
“You fool you think you can take us?” mocks Ghent one of the mods
“Perhaps you think your friends are worth dying for?” comes a voice from the back of the room
“Yes I do and when they get back it’ll be your turn to feel the pain.” Then the mods draw their Lightsabers and as they take classic offensive stances Lad rushes headlong at Chickenman.


Back on Tattoine thing aren’t going as planned either.
“Doug on your right!” yells Maul as a blaster bolt slams into the building beside Doug.
“WARGHHGH!” Screams a tusken Raider with Gaderiffi raised high above its head.
“WOHA!” yells Doug as he rolls out of the way of the falling tusken. He sees Maul with his vibro-ax ready after incapacitating the tusken at his feet. WHIZZZ! A force pike nearly misses Maul’s ear and rams into a charging tusken.
“Thanks Bushy.” Calls Maul as he catches a glimpse of Bushy after he through the pike thru the raider. Just as Bushy goes to retrieve his pike Orby comes running out of an alley with a bantha at his heels.
“RUN!!” He yells as two more banthas storm out of the alleyway with mounted tuskens on their backs. Bushy quickly rolls out of the way and draws his Mach 3 and fires into the belly of one of the banthas.
“GROOMPH!” the bantha howls as it falls to the ground with a thundering tattoo of dust and sand. The first raider is turning to make a second pass but is stopped short buy a blaster bolt square in the head from Saber’s sniper rifle and the bantha slams into an abandoned building. Saber gives Orby a thumbs-up signal. The third bantha starts to charge Saber has to let his rifle cool before he can take another shot as everyone but Maul dashes into an alley he holds his vibro-ax ready to strike he rolls forward and slices it’s front left leg and then hits it with three shots from his Briar pistol before striking again with his vibro-ax at the beast’s rear left leg. The beast falls smothering its rider. The remaining tuskens in a daze retreat to their encampment a few klicks away.
“Well that was fun” pants an exhausted Orby. “Saber see any more tuskens?”
“No boss.” Calls Saber from the tower. “The terminals up here still work. You want me to see if there is any thing we can get from them?”
“Yeah we’ll be up there in a minute” The four on the ground head up the steps of the tower.
“The encryption is pretty tight Boss” says Saber.
“Can you crack it?” asks Orby
“Oh come on Boss I can crack the Imperial mainframe on Coriscant so this should be a piece of cake for a BlackSun out post on a backwater world like this.” Laughs Saber. Saber not only being an expert marksman is one of the universes best slicers not even the great imperial minds can stop him or find out where it was from where he sliced them.
“Boss I got all the recent records from the data banks. Looks like this terminal last made a scan was maybe 6 months ago on the 6th Week of Helona on Atunda and every previous Atunda for 20 years.”
“So the data must be in there somewhere.” says Orby “okay plug in our DataPads and search for any whereabouts of the Cantina.” After hours of sifting through files and files they don’t find anything of their precious Cantina but they do find something that catches their eye a name of an old friend, Wizened Carbonation he was a visitor to the old Cantina and it seem that after its closing he decided to make his home on Tattoine. The group stays at the outpost for the night and in the morning even before the sky turns its beautiful shades of pink and orange the group is already on the way to their old friend’s home.