Amon Judas, born on the jungles of Kashyyyk. His parents were clawdites, the shift-shapers and of course so was he. Naturaly the first form was a Wookie, but not just any Wookie a Albino Wookie . He staid with them for three years after his Hrrtayyk ceremony. He remembers it as if it where yeaster day.Holding Bacca's Ceremonial Blade was liek a dream to him. He was on one of the moons of his planet. He was being careful anything could attack him. of course somethings did. A entire swarm of Gnasp attacked. Armed only woth the Blade and a Wookie shield he feared he would never make it. Thier fang like crimsome teeth could strike fear into Amons black heart. The largest one Amon could see swooped down and attacked Amon, the other incests just stood thier and seemed to be afraid to mess with this onces meal. Amon was barly able to dodge the bite. The beast made no rest and attacked again Amon could not dodge this one and was pushed into a large tree. His back hurting the back of his head bleeding the has barly able to get away a from the large insect as it bit into the tree. For some reason it seemed tghat it would not rlease its teeth from the large trunk. Waisting no time he sliced the blade through the Gnasp's body watching it die slowly. The other Gnasp flew back to thier underground holes. At first Amon thoubht it was because he killed their largest one. Then the groud shook. Amon still bleeding and fighting to stand up. He turned around slowly changing his form from his Albino Wookie form to a red skinned Zabrak. When he was fully turned he came face to face with a Terentatek...
...To be continued...
Anshar
04-08-2006 00:13:04
Amon-
First off, thanks for posting on the Writer's Corner!
I have a few comments to make, and hopefully others will be able to help you as well.
I think, overall, you've got an interesting idea for the character, and it looks like you've got a good start on some ideas. I can tell you've put some thought into the character.
By and large, your spelling is good (there are some misspelled words). But, you need to work on your grammar a good bit. I'm not certain if English is your first language or not, but with a little bit of practice, I'm sure the grammar issues can be fixed.
I see two distinct parts in what you've written so far: the introduction, and the primary event of this part of the story. However, the two are run together, as if they happen back to back. You go from "he was born" to "he is hunting" without any type of transition between the two. Separate these two sections, and expand a bit on the first part. How did you manage to fool all the Wookies, being a Clawdite? This is not to say you have to go into incredible detail about the early part of your life, but it would be useful for the reader to have that background information. Also, work on separating ideas and events into paragraphs, rather than one large block of text. Paragraphs help the reader know that a new idea is being introduced and they also make it easier to read.
As tempting as it is, I generally think you should avoid using objects from the games or movies, like Bacca's blade. For one, anyone who has played KOTOR will immediately recognize this unique item, and that kind of takes away a part of the story's originality. But, if you want to use it, then you need more detail as to how/why you are allowed to use the blade. I don't think every Wookie who walks by the hut will get to use the blade. There's great potential to develop the story and the character in this case.
I can see that you like to be descriptive in your writing. This is a good thing, and you should try to be as descriptive as possible to give the reader the best picture of the situation. This sentence is pulled from your story (though I did edit it):
"Thier fang [were] like crimson teeth [that] could strike fear into Amon's black heart."
This is a very descriptive sentence and it gave me, the reader, a good image of both the external view of the character (what he sees) and the internal view of the character (what one sees inside him).
So, overall, I think you've defintely got some work to do to improve the story, but I also think you're off to a good start.