17-06-2006 17:16:24

Shimura stood in a straight position upon the holoprojector. The blue one foot figurine of the Pontifex stood silently, his long brown hair pulled back behind his shoulders. Muz seemed to be in more of a combative mood today, no doubt due to the theft of his Nagamichi, dressed in knee high combat boots and his classic trousers with the dark leather vest. His lightsaber lay on his left hip, the purple hand grip sticking out among the silver hilt.

The Zabrak dressed in his normal outfit, the knee high combat boots with baggy looking trousers, a frontal robe that seemed to come down to his knees with a belt that seemed to keep it from flowing whilst in combat. Black leather gloves that came to the middle of his forearm protected his hands. With his cloak draped over his shoulders the two Equites stared at each other for the longest moment before Muz began to speak.

“I am most displeased at I have been robbed of an heirloom.”

The Zabrak nodded as he dared not interrupt his Proconsul. “The stench left on the Fallen Spear leads back to those miserable Tang’va’s.” Muz sat and played with his facial hair for a moment as if once again going into deep thought. “The Tang’va are suppose to be a royal family, unfortunately there’s always plenty of them around, but not all of them are Dark Jedi….”

“I could capture one Milord. Hold him up by his windup until he calls someone.”

“To brutal…but the thought intrigues me. Yes, brutal it is, I like it. Carry on.”

“Yes Milord, I shall serve faithfully.”

“Shimura, don’t frag this up, I know you can pull this mission out of your arse.”

The Sith kept his face straight as he turned the holoprojector off without saying a word. Quickly the holoprojector beeped back with a transmission. Picking up the transmitter and receiver he threw it to the back of the “Clotted Wound”, his new KSE Firespray. Modifiying it by putting a jamming system along with an ion reading masker to keep him invisible to radar as he entered the orbit of any planet.. Painting it red to his liking, he dropped his heavy but lean frame into the pilots chair.

“Navicomputer, mark route.” The Zabrak said in a harsh demanding tone.

“Where will your destination be today sir?”

“Coruscant system.”

“Plot marked, proceed with jump.”

Thinking about getting the voice of the computer changed, he didn’t like the happy and chipper personality it had. It brought out sappiness and caused the Sith to go soft. Another day…tapping a few buttons he looked back to the viewport to make sure his path was clear, no incoming ships were located on the radar. Grabbing two sets of hand conrols in his right hand he pushed them forward, watching the stars turn into a chaotic streaking pattern.

Xhedias crossed his arms between the mini jumps that would take him from the neighboring Orian planet of Tarthos, out of the unknown regions and back into known space. His stop was Coruscant, the capitol of the galaxy. Known for spice dealers, bounty hunters, thugs, and Senators. The last one was the reason Xhedias was here, a particular Senator. Tiberius likes to keep his family worthy of being his family, and at the head of it, Tiberius controls all. A Senator is known for cheating his way into the world, performing deals under the table, and that was exactly what he was here for.

Dropping out of hyperspace, the stars returned back to their normal idle position. He looked down on the planet known as Coruscant, the black planet with orange looking cuts going through them. Known as the planet of opportunity to illegal immigrants and the planet of technology, as world was a huge city.

A voice buzzed in over the comm.. “Unidentified craft, state your business.”

“I’m here to see an old friend.”

“Right, an old friend. A boarding party will be with you shortly, comply with these terms and we will not have to shoot you out of the air.”

The Zabrak clicked the comm. twice for an acknowledgement and left the cockpit. His boots clicking down the metal hall, he proceeded right outside of the docking hatch. A hissing noise could be heard as the hydraulics from the Z-95’s docking procedure. Clicking noises sounded, the Sith knew that it was near completion. Not bothering to draw his lightsaber he kept his arms crossed, the hatch on the “Clotted Wound” opened involuntary. Looking down the docking he could see a New Republic security guard walking, not paying attention and not seeing the force sensitive marauder. Already concentrating on wrapping the force around his hand, he outstretched it and cuffed his hand.

With a loud squawk the guard was lifted off his feet by his throat, feeling the pressure build up on his throat. His windpipe was close to being crushed as Xhedias help him there. Beginning to panic the guard reached for his blaster, but before that could happened the Sith flicked his wrist and sent him flying into the bulkhead. The guard slumped to the ground and sat in what was forming to be his own pool of blood from his cracked skull.


Xhedias strode over to the guard and picked him up by the collar of his uniform. Throwing him back to his own ship he sloshed through the pool of blood he kicked the just because he could, moving it back from the entrance another two or three inches. Walking back to his own ship he stood before the hatch, closing the door with the force he sighed heavily as he went to go bloody the office of another Tang’va. Breaking the connections of the dock with his ship he moved himself back to the cockpit. Tapping the comm. once or twice he alerted security.

“Boarding is over with, landing in the Republica starport, bay 66.”

“I’m not detecting a life signature aboard the docking ship.”

“You are going to have to fetch him, his actions seemed to show that he have had a little to much to drink. The alcohol must have lowered his heartbeat.”

“Copy, proceed to New Republic City.” Slamming on the forward thrust controls he made his way to the New Republic City in a neat downward spiral that would make anyone looking at him a bit dizzy.

Not giving a damn about traffic, swerving his way in and out of lanes, going with and without traffic he cruised just over the starport. Finally finding the bay with the big letters 66 on it he put the craft down carefully. Unbuckling himself he shimmied down the ladder and came to the hatch, pressing the button on the side made it shoot up in a flash, revealing the Coruscant day. Striding out of the ship he brought his hands to his shoulders and lifted the hood over his pale, spiky head and bringing the lip of the cloak to his eyes. Xhedias crossed his arms to keep his cloak shut, his left hand on the outside and his right hand on the inside, on the pommel of his saber.

Making no rush he walked from his ship across the bay to a flight of stairs. Making his way up the stairs, he strode along the corridors of the spaceport to the streets of Coruscant. People passed him and made no reference to him, Xhedias had lost himself in the crowd. The mass of people paid no attention to the zabrak, and within a half hour he was at the Senatorial building. A hissing door admitted him into the marble floor and granite counter topped lobby. Nobody was within the lobby but the receptionist, who had a very intrigued look on her face. Walking up the counter the blonde human receptionist began to talk.

“May I help you?”

“I have an appointment with Senator Tang’va.” The receptionist looked through her booklet and ran her pen along the column.

“Sir, I don’t have you down for one.”

Xhedias motioned for her to move closer with his finger, she leaned in and the Sith grabbed her by her chin and covered her mouth with the other. “I do now.” The eyes of the receptionist rolled into the back of her head as her eye lids fluttered. The Battlemaster pushed her back into her chair with a red crackling energy that seemed to fade from his hand. He picked up the book and located the floor the Tang’va was on.

The robes of the Sith flapped in the air that the ventilation system pushed out. Walking to the turbolift and punched the number. At first with a creak, the turbolift rocketed to the thirty seventh floor. With a ding the door opened, stepping forward he was greeted by two guards at his flanks. Xhedias produced his saber and with a spin put the pommel in front of the guard’s chest. With a snap-hiss the saber ignited and impaled him. The smoking of burnt flesh wavered through the air. Grabbing the saber with his left hand he swung his arm, the blow that decapitated the other guard. No sound was made that would alert anyone to his presence, that would prove helpful to the Sith’s case as he distinguished his blade.

Walking down the hall he looked for the room with the plaque with the Tang’Va name on it. Finding the door at the end of the hall way he lightly knocked on the door. Footsteps could be heard within the room, the door opened and before the dark skinned human could say a word a fist went into his face, knocking him out cold. Xhedias pushed the Senator within his apartment and then went back for the sobered body, caring the decapitated head in his other hand. Moving to the back of the room he dropped the dead weight near the window and closed the blinds. Going back for the headless body he tossed it on top of the sabered guard.

Waiting for a few hours for the Senator to wake back up, he sat in his swivel chair and looked out at the Coruscant day. Groggily standing up he tried to run for the door. Without looking the Sith flicked his wrist, causing the door to slam, spinning around in the chair he faced the Senator. Opening his mouth to yell for help, Xhedias flicked his wrist again slamming the Senator’s head against the head with considerable force.

“Now, lets not try that again and answer some questions.”

“What is it that you want?”

“I want you to call your “brother”, the other Tang’Va senator.”

“For what?” he said with surprise.

“A little business.” Xhedias said as he threw a holoprojector in front of the Senator. Looking a bit uneasy, he looked as if he was ready to puke. The transmission came to life.

“What?” He said.

“Come to my office.”

“What’s wrong?”

“There is someone here,” finally he saw the bodies laying on the floor. “Oh god! He killed two guards too!”

“Stupid decision.” Xhedias said. Grabbing his lightsaber he lunged from his seat and chopped the face off of the Senator, only leaving a cauterized mess. Now standing in the point of the transmission he began to talk.

“I’ll see you shortly. If you run, I will find you.” He said deactivating his saber while cutting off the transmission. Walking calmly over to the window he pressed the button once again that sent a metal covering over the window, no doubt for security reasons.


The zabrak sat on the swirly chair, staring out the thirty seventh story window as he waited for the Tang’Va to get his arse to this building. His legs crossed at the ankles with his arms crossed and his cloak neatly thrown on the back of the chair he began to idly think to himself about various issues. The Sith drummed his gloved fingers on the dark sleeve of his tunic, wondering if the Tang’Va had condemned his family to death earlier than the Sith planned on delivering it.

The hiss of the door sounded, the Tang’Va dressed in a long, flowing robe made of many expensive materials inlaid with various sorts of jewels. The Battlemaster spun around in his chair and laughed at his ignorance. He was amused to see that the Tang’Va would stare his death sentence in they eyes, he would die honorably.

“Very good. Now, sit down.”

The Senator was reluctant at first, being completely intimidated by the horned and tattooed Sith, once he met eyes with Shimura he hastily completed his wishes. While sitting down the Keibatsu noticed the Tang’Va wipe his hands on the knees of his gown.

“Nervous? There you won’t need to be nervous if you just tell me what I want to know. Ah, by the way, we haven’t had a formal greeting. I’m Shimura Keibatsu, you may have heard of me?”

“Ah the Keibatsu…Now I know what you want.”

“Well that was rude, you aren’t even going to give me your name?”

“Karkin Tang’Va.”

“Well Karkin, can I call you Karkin? Ah whatever, I’m the one in control here. Now, tell me where the sword is that you stole from my cousin.”

“Never.” Karkin smirked just afterward.

Shimura looked to the door as he felt eight new presences in a single file of four on each side of the door. The Sith growled, “Idiot, this won’t go good for you now, stay there, or I will follow you.”

Walking to the door he could hear a man counting outside, three, two, one. The door slid open as a smoke grenade flew at his face; Shimura instinctively caught the grenade in his right hand and slammed it back into the riot team member’s face. The man crumpled under the attack that pushed his nose into his brain as another member looked at his partner then to the clinking grenade at his feet.

The grenade exploded in a puff of white smoked that caused the guards to choke and cover their mouth. Growing up on the harsh planet of Iridonia taught the zabrak that choking on such a weak gas was petty and thus kept the Sith from choking. Shimura smirked as he rounded the corner and grabbed two more police by the head and slammed them together. Laying on the ground stunned only five remained as they were still left preoccupied with the smoke, the Sith elbowed the last policemen on the right in the stomach, causing him to double over. Dropping the policemen with a knee to the face he spun around, ignited his saber with a snap hiss that sent the crimson glow through the cloud of smoke.

One of the men yelped as another one cried out in fear. They raised their blasters to their shoulders and opened fire. The zabrak used the force to guide his blade in the path of the laser bolts while slowly advancing to his quarry. Holding one hand out Shimura called on the force to drain the life out of the energy cells. The remaining four policemen yelped again as they pulled the trigger on their blaster but only a clicking noise came to their aid. Shimura smirked as he let a salvo of slashes and stabs out that killed the remaining four policemen. Though not forgetting the two stunned on the ground, he walked over and placed his foot on their neck, putting pressure on it with a crunch sound that left them broken.

Shimura deactivated his lightsaber and walked back into the door. Karkin’s mouth had dropped to the floor at the display of the Dark Jedi’s talents. Looking behind the Senator he noticed a speeder hovering just outside the window, a poor effort was given to hide the vehicle. It was barely noticeable but a circular outline was cut into the window. The Battlemaster growled as he searched the room with the force and found a barbel crouching in the corner trying to mask his presence with the force, a Guardian no doubt. The barbel stood up right to its full two meters and stopped concentrating on the force cloak.

“Blassssst. You sssshall die Dark Jedi.” The barbel said with a sissing snicker.

The size of the barbel was some what intimidating but didn’t allow the Battlemaster to be taken off focus. He saw the dark scaled barbel reach to his belt to take his lightsaber when he noticed a sword hanging on his waist. The blood pressure raised in the zabrak as he ignited his saber that was already in hand, a quick slash to his side decapitated the Tang’ Va, with a thump his head rolled to the ground and Shimura faced his real opponent.

Shimura knew Shii-Cho wouldn’t work against his abnormally strong opponent so he jumped into the Makashi stance that would allow him to deflect his opponents saber. Shimura was glad he mastered this style; it would come into great use against this burly barbel. The emerald blade hissed to life and the size of the creature standing before the Sith somewhat daunted him. The creature charged and swung his saber from side to side, Shimura easily deflected it to the side and jumped up to smack the barbel in the snout with his off hand. The Jedi growled as he swung back and forth wildly, Shimura backed up and laughed at the beast.

“Well, the beastie DOES get mad.” The Sith smirked as he commanded a statuette to slam into the side of the barbels head.

“Sssstop that. It issss annoying.”

The Sith smirked as he stepped forward and launched a four strike combo, aiming at both of the calfs and shoulders. One strike landed on the right shoulder that caused the lizard to hiss. The cut wasn’t very deep but it was a message showing that he wasn’t going to go down easy. Shimura launched another attack, aiming at the right shoulder again then low to the left calf, the calf sizzled on contact with the saber but no major damage was done. The Keibatsu was somewhat disappointed, he didn’t know what was making the lizard fight so poorly but he could take a wild guess that it was uncertainty and the Dark Side clouding his mind.

“Are you kidding me? Are you seriously trying to fight me?”

“Sssstop it. I will kill you.” The barbel’s face was upset.

He dropped the saber and charged at the zabrak taking him off guard. Both sabers dropped to the ground with a click and deactivated. The Jedi bear hugged Shimura and picked him up off the ground, squeezing him, trying to shatter his ribs. A series of crunching sounds were heard then a crack, Shimura roared at the pain, using it as fuel. He began kneeing the lizard over and over again in the groin, refusing to stop. The barbel finally let go as he landed on his right foot, with his outstretched right hand he called his saber to him and quickly activated it. The dazed Jedi was still standing but unsure of what was happening. Shimura jumped at the creature and reversed the grip on his saber, grappling the back of the barbel’s head. He planted both of his feet against its chest and clung on, stabbing the lightsaber downward into the collar bone of the great lizard.

Shimura bent over painfully to unstrap the sword from the lizard’s side. He walked over to the headless corpse and took the datapad from it. After putting on his outer cloak he proceeded back to his ship with a cracked vertebrae and his usual pride in a good days killing.


21-06-2006 20:32:51

Public review. These are general comments for the story as a whole. Specific comments for sections within the story have been provided to the writer.

Overall, this is a pretty straight forward story. You do have some things to work on:

First off, if you’re writing a story in third person, don’t be afraid to mention your own name as needed. You have a propensity to use pronouns a lot, but these get confusing when you have more than one person in the room. I shouldn’t have to ask myself who is doing what in the story. This is perhaps your biggest problem: you are very unclear about who you are writing about.

You also need to work on putting some more descriptions. Your lack of details adds to the confusion from the over abundant use of pronouns.

You need to work on your capitalization and punctuation.

I do find parts of the story fairly implausible. Basically, the whole fact that you just waltzed into Coruscant, into a Senator’s office, with barely any trouble just doesn’t make sense. Sure, you’re a battlemaster, but that doesn’t mean NR security is going to go to sleep on the job. You provide no good reasoning as to how you got past the space control, except for the fact that they took your word that the inspector was drunk. IF you used the force to cloud the mind of the man you were talking to, say so. Make it obvious to the reader. If you don’t, I have to wonder why your ship wasn’t fired upon like was originally threatened. The fact that the guards are virtually non-existent in the Senatorial building makes it less believable. If not human guards, then certainly droids would be present.