I had meant to read these before, but I just got to both of these stories today. I must say that I am very impressed with your work. With more polish, you could be one of the best.
Couple things that struck me:
-overuse of contractions (didn't, daren't, etc.)
-When you drew the reader in, the story ended. It's hard to get to the point when the reader gets very interested (as I was reading this). I think as you progress to longer stories, this will fix itself.
I agree with Rydack. They're great, just listen to his tips. The story did end at a bad time, also, try to spell check. No offense, but I liked it. Can't wait for Chap. III!!
i also agree with both rydack and aabsdu, you are very promising though i did not like how as soon as it got good it ended, though as rydack said, as you add more and put them together it will fix itself...
*a very good writer you shall become*
Thanks for the feedback - I am now going to hopefully re-write the chapter by adding the next chapter on and expanding the end part. This should hopefully solve nay feelings of disappointment at the end. I will of course post it on the writers corner for you lot to have a look.
Happy, we now are. Ours thanks, you have.