This is Uzbad's history. I wasnt to happy with the last little bit, but I liked most of it. Cooments? Questions?
You're a very good writer and I enjoy reading your stories. You should perhaps consider setting up the scene and characters a bit more and then going into the action, rather than putting nuggets of information into the action as an afterthought (like mentioning he was only 12 halfway through the action), but on the whole your writing flows very well and the information easily sticks in your head.
Until you get to big sections of dialogue.
I know you were rushed at the end but you've done this in your other work too. As soon as two people are having a conversation the writing goes insane and it is hard to keep up with it. It's like a script but you don't have any notes to remind you of who is talking.
My recommendations for conversations are: -
* Don't switch back and forth with short, sharp sentences. It can have its place, like in the heat of battle for less than several lines, but for any other conversation it is a no-no. The pace seems far too fast. You can control that pace from having long, thought out paragraphs (slow, like telling each other stories), to longer sentences (regular conversations...giving the information required, no more, no less), to the fast paced action dialogue.
* See if you can group the information the character is expressing into more satisfying chunks. The uncle shouldn't have to ask each individual question before he gets the information.
* Describe the dialogue. People don't just talk, talk, talk, talk, talk. They ponder and consider their words, or they reply, confirm, agree and disagree to what others have said, or their lying words accidentally betray their true feelings, etc.
* You don't have to say who is saying what for every line, but it would be nice to know at some points.
* I respect the way you work. Go off and write whatever comes into your head as the story evolves...but then you go back to it and see if can be rewritten any better.
I'm only saying this because I enjoyed reading your work, and I think I'm going to happily read more of it in the future, but please look into ways of making the conversations readable and flowing. I found your Expedition story much improved, with the little notes like "'...', the leader yelled", but lets see that put into a more dialogue heavy tale.
On the whole though, good work! I'm looking forward to your next story,
Thanks for your comments, both negative and postive.
I should have a new one up in a few days.