Devani
07-10-2005 15:39:48
Good story, forgive me but it reminded me a bit of Star Trek!
A few errors: "and not effect life support", should be affect. "contained cots, and freeze-dried food", no need for the comma. "The one downfall of this idea", maybe you should change idea to plan. "He had it all on this bridge: himself, the leader; Olivia Ket, the enforcer; Christopher Donato, the technical genius; Butch McFerrin, the crews 'mother'; Juan Gonzalez, the engineer; Marek Schwartz, the doctor; Robert Mayhew, the electrician; Angus Makwatty, the navigator; Andrew Jacobson, the communications engineer; and Hugo Williamson, the designer of the station." I made a couple grammatical changes. Just a note, you're using too many commas like the comment I made earlier, just check through your story and delete the commas when its like: "You all have a job to do, and may be called upon at any time.", no comma needed. " halfway with the fuel; they had, but not any farther", no need for the ; or , . ""Hugo" He called; "Would you come here for a moment." Comma after Hugo, don't capitalize he and remove the ; add " after moment.
Sorry about all these little corrections but they make it much easier and thus enjoyable for the reader to read your story. "Hugo nodded, stood up and walked over to the captain, his face grim." I corrected this sentence. Word to the wise, if within quotations you do not have any punctuation please give a comma, ex. "We can't make it Jim," he said as he reached the Captain." ""I know." That’s what I wanted to talk to you about." Delete extra quotation mark, you don't need quotation marks between every sentence if it is the same person talking. "Then somebody has to" Take out then and capitalize somebody. Just makes it flow better. If you look at the paragraph about the crew in deep thought, you use They also too many times, find another way to the same thing. Maybe change one of they also's into just a they.
Now for the good stuff: I love your story, its interesting and the end left me hanging. When are you writing the next part???!!!!
A few errors: "and not effect life support", should be affect. "contained cots, and freeze-dried food", no need for the comma. "The one downfall of this idea", maybe you should change idea to plan. "He had it all on this bridge: himself, the leader; Olivia Ket, the enforcer; Christopher Donato, the technical genius; Butch McFerrin, the crews 'mother'; Juan Gonzalez, the engineer; Marek Schwartz, the doctor; Robert Mayhew, the electrician; Angus Makwatty, the navigator; Andrew Jacobson, the communications engineer; and Hugo Williamson, the designer of the station." I made a couple grammatical changes. Just a note, you're using too many commas like the comment I made earlier, just check through your story and delete the commas when its like: "You all have a job to do, and may be called upon at any time.", no comma needed. " halfway with the fuel; they had, but not any farther", no need for the ; or , . ""Hugo" He called; "Would you come here for a moment." Comma after Hugo, don't capitalize he and remove the ; add " after moment.
Sorry about all these little corrections but they make it much easier and thus enjoyable for the reader to read your story. "Hugo nodded, stood up and walked over to the captain, his face grim." I corrected this sentence. Word to the wise, if within quotations you do not have any punctuation please give a comma, ex. "We can't make it Jim," he said as he reached the Captain." ""I know." That’s what I wanted to talk to you about." Delete extra quotation mark, you don't need quotation marks between every sentence if it is the same person talking. "Then somebody has to" Take out then and capitalize somebody. Just makes it flow better. If you look at the paragraph about the crew in deep thought, you use They also too many times, find another way to the same thing. Maybe change one of they also's into just a they.
Now for the good stuff: I love your story, its interesting and the end left me hanging. When are you writing the next part???!!!!
