Rising Darkness: Sith Apprentice #1:
Jaymz
15-06-2005 21:34:23
Tyrus
18-06-2005 11:22:09
i thought it was good, very good detail and i liked the form of writing you use.
aco tyrus
5575
Jaymz
21-06-2005 11:36:48
Well thank you Tyrus I was beginning to think no one liked it. I was about to ask Telona to take it off of the Writers Corner but you made me think maybe it wasn't so bad. I had about 10 pages completeled before but they were on my schools network which i forgot to get before i left school for summer so i have to write it over again.
Taigikori
21-06-2005 19:22:15
Hmmm...I love it. I feel you would be a worthy oppenent in the ACC.
Jaymz
22-06-2005 12:29:46
Challenge me then. I am currently in 3 matches against Macron, Langis, and M'kel, but i just posted my death post for M'kel's so I am pretty much done with that one.
Taigikori
22-06-2005 17:21:01
I would if I could. DJK Kat hasn't responded to my qualifying match in days.
Tyrus
22-06-2005 18:05:32
yea, i want to challenge you in the acc. im not done with mi qualifying match, doing it now, already won a training match, though dalthid has beaten me twice, im fighting him in proving ground now.
Macron Sadow
22-06-2005 20:34:47
Don't worry, our match will be done soon Jaymz... muah ha ha!
Seriously, Kat's a busy girl. And Jaymz is an interesting opponent.
I liked your history, Jaymz. It's a little hard to read, but I bet that happened when it got set as HTML. Paragraph breaks= good thing. Keep it up!
When you get set as a Seeker, then challenge me Taigikori if you want a battle.
cheers, Macron
Jaymz
23-06-2005 13:04:15
Over for you of of course Macron. : P If they don't reply over a period of 2 weeks i think you auto win the match, though that doesn't mean you qualified by having a faulty opponent. Good luck with your matchs and I'll see you in the ACC Macron, mwa hahahaha
Taigikori
24-06-2005 07:17:35
I'll be sure and do that.
RevengeX
30-06-2005 10:33:19
I thought your writing wasn't a problem, but there were some Star Wars things going a little offtrack. Something to remember is that during the Clone Wars, there were only three Dark Jedi, Darth Sidious, Count Dooku, and Asajj Ventress. So who is the Dark Jedi you speak of?
Jaymz
30-06-2005 10:43:47
Those were the only Sith the Movies/Series revealed, there were more behind the scenes + this was more of a battle between Dark Jedi and Jedi that goes on until the end of the story.
Malik
30-06-2005 12:39:11
the story is not bad, I just thought I should point out that the DB is about 10 years after endor I think so if you began training during the clone wars you'd prolly be 40 now.
Jaymz
30-06-2005 21:11:28
By the end of the story he is a Dark Jedi Master, and he is 40 years old.
Jaymz
30-06-2005 21:14:16
Like its set in 3 diffrent parts, his coming of age in the Jedi temple, the fall to the dark side, then the choice
Ethen
27-08-2005 19:27:39
Dude your story SUCKS. Like it had some good detail in the beginning, but nice using of a description from a song. I can't remember who sang it but I know who sung it but I know that song. You could have done alot better.
Jaymz
13-10-2005 10:01:55
Actually it was from Incubus and yes I used the description from a song b/c its very vivid and paints a nice picture.
Anonymous
23-11-2005 13:13:07
very good
i like it
Jaymz
21-12-2005 10:49:55
Thank you. I am working on more : P
Anonymous
21-12-2005 21:04:58
You have good ideas and an interesting style. One thing that you could improve is the paragraph structure. You start a new paragraph after every couple of sentences. If you only started a new paragraph after you started a new thought or direction, the flow would be much better.
Other than that, I think it's a good foundation for your character. Look forward to seeing the next installment.