Ophelia
20-04-2013 22:49:49
She snapped the datapad closed again with an agitated and leant back heavily into the seat, lifting her legs and gracefully crossing them before snarling into the cusp of her hand. It wasn't the mission that bothered her it was the situation she was in, the fact that she was stuffed into a suit which was stuffed into a fighter being flown by the stuffiest, infuriating pilot she had ever had the displeasure of knowing. The rattled growl obviously fed back via the comm channel as within moments the monotone voice of the pilot leeched into her ears.
“Problem Ravenscroft? I Thought your ilk enjoyed this kind of thing. Sneaking into space stations and uploading virus’s, right up your alley I’m sure…though I forgot where you are from, do you even know what a computer terminal is?”
There was the sound of a hound vomiting down the headset as the pilot broke into what could only be called laughter. Again her only response was a growl, something she had been doing ever since the fighter left the main cruiser.<
“Cat got your tongue? You’re savages the whole lot of you Dathmorians, if you ask me the empire should have just wiped your wretched planet out decades ago…”
What followed the last syllable was the sound of gurgling and a sharp intake of breathe as the pilot fought for air.
“The good thing about sitting behind you pilot is I am able to see you and get a clear visual of what I am doing. “
Her hand rested before her almost lazily as she slowly brought her fingers together the force pushing on the pilots windpipe.
“Now, I’ve listened to your chatter, and then the insults long enough that I’ve slightly lost my patience which If I am honest I never truly had in the first place. Now I am going to suggest you shut up whilst continuing to fly this coffin and get me to our destination before I do something that gets me tapped in here with no one to fly it. Understand? Just nod.”
The pilots gurgle came back across and slowly but surely he nodded his head. She sighed and with eyes closed released her victim from the grip. Such a small amount of power needed to play with the life of one so fragile, it almost made her sad some of the filth they allowed into the Brotherhood, but cannon fodder had its uses after all.
The problem was he was right, this jumped up piece of filth had hit it on the spot and it irked her. She grew up in the clan; she was abducted and experimented on with no recollection of what she knew or did during that time. Then to add insult to injury she was dumped on Kessel like garbage. Even her time in the Brotherhood wasn't long enough to train with the blasted machines before her retreat back to her home world. For all intents and purposes she didn't have a clue how she was going to do this. She just had to hope there was a rather large red button, and likewise hope if there was one it didn't self-destruct the base otherwise she’d be a bit fucked to put it bluntly.
“Pilot how long is it until we reach our destination? I want a simple answer please.”
There came a sound like someone biting back a remark, mixed in with a few choice words;
“I would say give or take fifteen minutes. Do you still want a full perimeter sweep once we arrive to determine the best point of entry to the station?”
A quick reply growl told him all he needed to know on that matter;
“Understood, then a long range scan staying outside of their sensor range should take us no more than another twenty minutes to complete. Give or take you will be mission go in thirty five minutes.”
She nodded; it’s what she had expected reading over the instruments before her as best she could;
“I need you to locate an out of the way service entrance, nothing major that it will be guarded nor need a tech genius to crack it. Also we need to approach from the dark side of the station to give us more of a chance.”
The pilot tutted as if this was the most obvious thing in the world but again held his tongue;
“Understood, you sure you can work that lock cracker?”
She threw the device a quick glance, it had been explained to her several times before the mission had even started;
“Affirmative, attach it to the lock, press the button, wait and hope.”
There was a genuine laugh, mixed with caution from the pilot;
“That’s about right. I’ll make you aware once I’m in position to begin our run.”
No further words were needed an Morrighan cut the comm and leant back slipping into a meditative trance to prepare herself for what was to come.
The next thing she knew was the pilot’s voice coughing loudly in her ear;
“As requested I've done a full sweep and from what sensors have picked up the mission brief was accurate this area is almost dead. However we've hit one small snag, the dark side of the station seems to be experiencing some form of Asteroid storm; they must be too near the belt or a freak accident.”
Morrighan looked out of the cockpit, and towards the areas indicated. He was correct the entire area appeared to be under bombardment by small asteroids crashing into the service, bigger one loomed on the edge of her vision but they seemed to be passing by without a backwards glance. She drummed her nails on the monitor before her and then looked up grinning.
“How good of a pilot are you?”
she asked out of the blue, taken aback the pilot physically shook his head and shrugged;
“Fairly good; the instructor said I had a natural talent for flying these babies, why do you ask?”
He took a sharp breathe as he realised even before the last word left his mouth;
“Oh come on, that’s suicide!”
Morrighan just laughed and shook her head, the plan had already formulated in her mind and given the pilots skill, if he had any, it should be a piece of cake to pull off;
“Indeed, but I believe it to be our best shot at gaining entrance to the station undetected. I need you to circle around and pull up by one of the bigger asteroids. You’re going to use it as a shield and move into the station whilst I give it a little nudge onto a new path. Hopefully the resulting break up should give us enough cover and sow confusion inside the station long enough for me to get in and out before they know what’s even going on. Their scanners won’t even pick you up due to the large magnetic object hurtling towards them.”
He said nothing, just turned in his seat stared at her and seeing the look on her face thought best not to argue and headed to the dark side and the looming asteroids.
It didn't take long to find one, in fact there was hundreds out here and Morrighan half expected the pilot to give some stuffy wise crack but he said nothing as fought to keep the craft correct. Channeling her energy and reaching out through the force she began to nudge the asteroid out of its current trajectory and onto the one she wished for it. No resistance came back due to the asteroids location in space and slowly but surely the asteroid began its descent towards the space station. The pilot controlling his composure followed suite as the asteroid got hooked by the artificial pull of the station and with one final shunt Morrighan allowed the celestial body to follow its own path. They had located the entrance she was to use, and they realised the space stations guns would open fire upon the asteroid to minimise damage done to the station, if all worked out she would be beginning her infiltration run within minutes.
The asteroid loomed before them and just under it they could make out the steadily growing girth of the space station, then as expected lights began seeping out from it towards their shield. The asteroid was large enough it could survive for a few minutes, luckily they needed less than that to get what had to be done completed.
“On my mark…now!” the ship peeled away from the asteroid as it began crumbling into pieces. The fighter sped down under it’s might cover and hovered above the entrance, with a graceful leap out of the fighter, suit secured, Morrighan floated to the service entrance and fixed the lock cracker in place as explosions rocked around her. It was chaos, and by some luck the security camera covering the entrance had been knocked out by pieces of the asteroids that had come before, but she knew her luck wouldn't last. She tapped her fingers against the metal impatiently until finally the door slid open and she dived inside.
Alarms were going off everywhere and yet there was no one around when she exited the airlock. She assumed they must be on the upper levels, but knowing Imperial efficiency that wouldn't last forever. She ripped out her datapad and checked over the schematics of similar stations to this one the brotherhood had come across before. She panned to the server room and then back to her general location and found to some relief that it was only five or six floors down in the heart of the station. That was easy she thought to herself as she prowled down the corridor, stretching out her senses all around her through the force so that she could be prepared for anything to come. As she did a full sweep of her surrounding area she was pleased to find there was no immediate signs of life on the floor she was on or the ones immediately above and below, however faint signs echoed back from several floors up and annoyingly also down so she wasn’t out of this yet. Coming to a door, she pushed it open gently and with a sigh of frustration peered into a janitors closet rather than the stairway she had been expecting, getting her bearings an taking a moment to relax she started off down the corridor at a more fervent pace.
Finally she came to the right door; she slid it open and gracefully bounded down several steps at once, as she leapt down a last flight landing silently before freezing in place. Hurried an anxious voices echoed up from below her, followed by the sounds of feet pounding the stairs. Her way forward blocked, and being stuck on a landing between two floors, she looked around her and her eyes instantly lay upon the door into the level above. A quick jump up, she snuck through and dived into the nearest room, which turned out to be another janitor’s closet of all things. Crouching down she threw her force sense out and took in her immediate area. The voices she had heard had continued up the stairs but as she felt down she noticed an increased increase in activity and the stairs were being used more and more. So she needed to find another way down, and to her knowledge there was only two. The Elevators or the air ducts and given her disposition to extremely small spaces she couldn't risk the mission by having a panic attack.
She left the room and like a ghost drew in the darkness around her using the force she crept down the corridor towards what she hoped would be the elevators. She found them no problem, the only problem was the cameras in front of them and reaching out she could feel more bodies sweeping floors to make sure things were alright. She ducked into a nearby room and throwing of her cloak of darkness she looked around till she found what she was looking for. An air duct sat before her and reaching up she managed to remove the cover and pull herself up into it. Her mind instantly went into overdrive once she used the force to lift and secure the covering back in place. The small space was barely big enough for her to squeeze through and she had no intention of spending any more time in there as was needed, which she hoped wasn't going to be until the server room.
Heading in the general direction she knew the elevator to be she snaked along the ducts like a possessed serpent, attempting to make as little noise as possible whilst heading at maximum speed. Following fresh air currents and a soft tugging at her sleeve’s Morrighan came upon another covering; she prised it off and sighed as she stared into the chasm that was the elevator shaft. Structural girders criss-crossed the shaft and she eased herself out of the duct and down onto the nearest one. By her own calculations she had another four floors to descend before she reached her destination so she began her descent with haste. Leaping through the air from girder to girder gave her the feeling off freedom after the air ducts, however she couldn't enjoy it for long as the gravitational pull and artificial wind required all her concentration to combat lest she be ripped from her perch. Finally she arrived and with a sigh stole herself into the nearest air duct and began another journey through hell.
At last she emerged into an empty room, the hum of panels and consoles nearly drowned out her own thoughts and the distraction was severely interfering with her ability to sense anything through the force. Usually she wasn't this bad but the air duct had thrown her more than she knew. There was little time to waste an taking several deep breathes to calm her nerves she again reached out with the force this time she got a positive reading coming directly from what she perceived to be the server room she needed access to, only one for now though the rest could most likely be summoned in a heartbeat, she had to work this properly. She knew once in the server room she would be able to work unmolested, she had been practising her ability to persuade others to her way of thinking in preparation for missions such as this, but getting close enough to not cause alarm and get herself killed, she had but one trick and she could only hope it worked in the current climate.
She closed her eyes and reached out with the force calling upon her oldest fear and ally, the darkness. The room about her began to dim as the lights became blacked out and she moved towards her goal the darkness obscuring her. To the untrained eye it would hopefully look like a power malfunction in this level, and she was hoping that whoever was in the room ahead had an untrained eye. The light shimmered around her as her field of operation crept along with her, then it happened a door opening and a voice clearly speaking on the radio:
“Control...control? blast damn it that shower seems to have done more than knock out the circuits feeding these lights. If you can hear me control just to report in there seems to be a problem with the lighting on floor six three. I am moving to inspect and attempt to fix the issue.”
Morrighan was in luck the man appeared to be some form of bored technician most likely stuck babysitting the servers in case anything was to happen to them. She grinned and like a predator stalking her pray she stepped out from the darkness and as quick as she could before the technician could act asserted her will.
“I am here to see the main control hub. You are expecting me as you were to show me how they work for when I take over from you tonight.”
She poured everything into these words and with baited breath she watched the man’s mind working until finally;
“About blasted time, I've been stuck down here for three days without so much of a peep! I tell you underappreciated is what I am. The wife said not to take this job but I couldn't turn down such a big pay you understand. Then again I think the sleazy cow is cheating on me anyway so why should I care? I have nothing to lose. Oh wait where was I?”
“The server”
“Oh yes that’s right, well come on come on haven’t got all day there’s a lot to learn and so little time. Never know when another asteroid might hit the station and knock the power out making this whole exercise pointless.”
He continued wittering on as he led her over towards one of the largest computer terminals she had ever been around. There were hundreds of different buttons all of which most likely had functions far beyond her skill an expertise, but like a good teacher the technician continued rattling on about this and that until she had to stop him;
“That’s all very interesting my dear man, but could you do me a favour an upload this file for me. It’s to improve the output of the system. Once you've done that I need you to run a routine clean-up of the security camera’s footage from this floor in the last ten minutes and then write a suicide note explaining how your wife is cheating on you and you having nothing left to live for because she was your everything.”
The technician looked at her, she could see his mind working out the instructions he had been given and trying to work out why it sounded wrong, however her will was stronger and with a bit of applied pressure he took the chip from her an began the upload. Once done he proceeded to perform a wipe of everything on the floor up to that point, making sure to write a note to explain how the asteroid had caused damage to the systems down here. The final job was quick an brief, a scrawled note explaining that he had lost everything, his wife his faith in the cause and that he couldn't take it anymore. Morrighan read it over relishing the words. The poor fool, if only he had been some peasant on a backwater world he might of lived a happy life. Turning to her datapad she sent out an encrypted message to her pilot, giving a direction for pickup, and then turning back to the technician she applied her will upon him for the second last time of his existence.
“Now due to the update you just did I need you to reboot the stations sensors and cameras on a three minute long cycle. Can that be achieved from here?”
He scowled at her and for a moment she thought she had lost control but he shook his head and waved his arms about theatrically;
“Sweetheart we can do anything we want from here. Just watch.”
He began working away at the console furiously then turned to her looking smug.
“Done darling, told you I could do it, now what?”
“You’re going to lead me to this airlock and walk out of it with me.”
He looked at her as if to say no problem, that he could do it ten times over and it would still be the best thing she had ever seen. She chuckled as she followed him, by her estimation she had only a couple of minutes to get this right. They approached the airlock and borrowing a helmet and air tank she suited up as she waited for the door to close behind them. She watched then amused as the compartment began to vent the air into space and the technician began to suffocate rather over dramatically before her. The outer door slid open and with a caressing push the technician ‘committed suicide’ right before her eyes. The body drifted and bumped into the cockpit of the waiting fighter, and with a small exertion of force she drifted away from the station and into the craft. Once the ship was sealed and with less than a minute on the clock left the pilot set the ship into forward motion an rocketed the craft away from the station and out into the cold dark void of space.
There was silence for a while where neither spoke. There had been no indication that anything was amiss and certainly no ships had been scrambled from the station or had arrived in the system. In fact by and large the station was still dealing with the damage caused by the asteroid. The silence however was broken by the pilot, which was to be expected;
“That was a close one. I guess you can get shit done if need be. Just to let you know it’s going to be about five hours before we rendezvous with the cruiser, may I ask what your plans are once we return?”
Morrighan sighed and closed her eyes. The small space already starting to get to her and she retorted with the only thing that came to mind;
“I have no idea what I will do once we return, but I can tell you that right at this moment I’m going to be playing a game of keep the pilot alive long enough to get me home.”
And with that she sat down to compile her report and worked on controlling her patience and requesting the use of this pilot for further missions. It's not because she appreciated his skill's as a pilot, fact in matter was there were hundreds of good pilots out there it was just the fact she relished being the one to finally turn around and shut him up for good once his usefulness expired which depending on how much he spoke on the way back, may not last.
Marick
08-05-2013 00:02:10
Contract 022: Complete
Mission: Accomplished
Debriefing: The virus was uploaded into the One Sith server, enabling us to track their communications and movements. Excellent work.
Comments:
Alright, first things first, Morr.
Technically speaking, your writing flows well and helps tell your story. On the other hand, there are multiple breaks in syntax, missing words, and improper grammar. I'm going to highlight a few, but all of these are very easily fixable mistakes that could be eliminated by having someone proof read your writing. Arcona especially has a large writing community and there are multiple people who would be more than happy to help proof read your work for you.
She snapped the datapad closed again with an agitated and leant back heavily into the seat, lifting her legs and gracefully crossing them before snarling into the cusp of her hand.
You're missing a word, and this becomes somewhat of a run on sentence. Trying to say it in on breath is hard. Try something like this instead:
She snapped the datapad closed again with an agitated grunt. She leaned back heavily into her seat, lifting her legs up and gracefully crossing them before she snarled into the cusp of her hand.
It wasn't the mission that bothered her it was the situation she was in, the fact that she was stuffed into a suit which was stuffed into a fighter being flown by the stuffiest, infuriating pilot she had ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Again, this can be broken up and will read much more fluidly. I broke it up and added a word or two, see how it reads a bit better?
It wasn't the mission that bothered her, it was the situation she found herself in. If fact that she was stuffed into a suit, that was stuffed into a fighter wasn't enough, the Dothamari was being flown by the stuffiest, most infuriating pilot she had ever met.
Her hand rested before her almost lazily as she slowly brought her fingers together the force pushing on the pilots windpipe.
Always capitalize the Force. Otherwise, you're referring to just regular old exertion of energy/pressure on something. There is a comma missing there as well.
Her hand rested before her, almost lazily, as she slowly brought her fingers together. As she did, the Force itself wrapped around the pilots neck and constricted against his windpipe.
I will say, I've never seen dialogue written like this:
“How good of a pilot are you?”
she asked out of the blue, taken aback the pilot physically shook his head and shrugged;
“Fairly good; the instructor said I had a natural talent for flying these babies, why do you ask?”
He took a sharp breathe as he realised even before the last word left his mouth;
“Oh come on, that’s suicide!”
I'm not sure if this is technically wrong, but more conventional dialogue would look more like this:
"How good of a pilot are you?" she asked out of the blue.
Taken aback, the pilot physically shook his head but then shrugged. "Fairly good; the instructor said I had a natural talent for flying these babies," he said. "Why do you ask?"
Morrighan flashed a coy smile. The pilot thought for a moment and then realized what she was going to say. "Oh, no, no. Come on, no, that's suicide!"
She found them no problem, the only problem was the cameras in front of them and reaching out she could feel more bodies sweeping floors to make sure things were alright.
You contradict yourself here. She found them no problem, but there was one problem. It works if you were verbally telling a story, but as a writer it seemed off to me.
She found them with ease, but the only problem was that the cameras in front of them had reached out. She could sense more bodies sweeping the floors to make sure things were alright.
With that said, I did really enjoy the story. You did a good job of making your own character come to life, and gave good interaction with the pilot. You did an excellent job or creating characters as obstacles in your mission and the technician being manipulated with Jedi Mind Trick was very clever. I would almost say that it would have been tricky for a Dark Jedi Knight, (at that level at least), but my suspension of disbelief remained in tact.
The lack of polish in the contract is the only thing preventing you from getting an Excellent grade. For now, I am giving it a grade of "Satisfactory"
Grade:
A-Class = 1 points;
"Satisfactory" Contract = 2 points;
Total = 3 points.